No matter what crisis happens, whether it be illness, injury, financial devastation, loss of reputation, victimization, or death, there's one thing I've learned you can't do. You can't sit around waiting for a hero.

No one is coming to save you. It's not a threat; it's a philosophy.

If you live with this philosophy, you tend to make a habit of figuring out how to save yourself. You manage your health because you know that nobody can do it for you. You manage your money and ensure that you have a variety of career skills that you can use to get a job to protect yourself from falling into poverty (and if you do fall into it, you'll work to get yourself out). You imagine the worst that could happen, the horrible things you don't really want to think about, and you ask yourself the hardest question of all: "What would I do in that worst-case-scenario?" You rehearse mentally for those dreaded events, even the little ones, so when they happen, you'll know what to do, and you won't fall apart.

Along with mentally rehearsing for the big problems, you must practice being calm and focused when dealing with little problems. When you freak out over something simple, it becomes a habit. It teaches your brain that every time there is a problem, big or small, you should freak out, panic, and lose control. If you panic, you won't be able to save yourself.

A common excuse I hear from people who refuse to help themselves is that they "can't." You can endure more than you ever imagined you could. You can accomplish more than you think you can. Don't fall into the trap that you are weak and frail and can't take care of things yourself. Even in your greatest moments of suffering, you can endure and you can thrive, even if you're all alone, even if you feel like nobody cares about you.

The save-yourself philosophy doesn't mean that you shouldn't ask for help. You should ask for help! You should recognize when you've hit the limit of your own expertise or ability and seek assistance. The ability to ask for help shows that you are a strong person who isn't afraid of their own limitations. But when you do need it, YOU have to be the one to find it; you need to be the one to stand up and ask for it. Don't feel sorry for yourself and wait for help to show up at your front door. It doesn't work. Get up and save yourself. No one will do it for you.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

The more I talk to people who are mentally unbalanced or have unhealthy beliefs, the more I find religion at the heart of it. Honestly, I think that the majority of the unhealthy beliefs that contributed to the anxiety and depression I suffered through for years were rooted in religious ideas that were taught to me when I was a kid and practiced by my family and friends.

It wasn't until I grew up, let go of all of it, and became agnostic that I suddenly was able to realize how absurd it all was. I feel like I see things with so much more clarity. I'm happy now. I'm mentally healthy now.

But there's a problem. The people I grew up with, the people I love, still have those old beliefs which I now find absurd. It's not easy to keep talking to them. They constantly tell me about their interpretations of normal events as if they were somehow supernatural, and they have supernatural explanations for everything. Science is ignored. They all tell me I'm crazy for not believing in these ideas and warn me that I'm going to fall victim to demons or be sent to hell. They beg me to "just have faith." But I do have faith. I have faith in logic and science and my own sense of what's real and what isn't real. But that's not enough for them. They want me to believe in the mythology I had been fed for so many years. Ideas like these:

• Special people can read your thoughts.
  
  When I was growing up, I was repeatedly told that I shouldn't have bad thoughts because God knew what I was thinking and would punish me for thinking bad things. I was also told that my dead loved ones would know what I was thinking, and they would be ashamed of me if I thought bad things. Then I was told that some people had been given the ability to read minds, a gift from God, and that you would never know who was one of these Saint-like people were. They could be the guy sitting next to you, your best friend, your neighbor, anyone, and you wouldn't know it.
  
  I grew up being afraid to think freely, afraid of my own thoughts. It wasn't until I stopped believing such teachings that I was able to have a thought without feeling guilty or ashamed.
  
  
• God, angels, and spirits of the dead speak to you in signs.
  
  I was told that the supernatural world doesn't speak to you directly. Instead they try to send you messages with signs. The signs could be anywhere or anything. I was told that we were being sent signs all the time, little things we look at every day but ignore. When I was growing up I became concerned that everything was trying to tell me something. I was told that if you had a problem, you could just pray, turn on the TV or open a book, and *poof* God would give you a sign to help you solve your problem. A common question among people around me was, "What do you think it means?"
  
  When I stopped believing such ideas, I stopped asking "what do you think it means?" It doesn't mean anything. It is what it is. Appreciate it for itself.
  
  The picture fell off the wall because the nail that held it up slipped out because the material around the nail hole slowly eroded away. The picture fell off the wall. That's all it means. It doesn't mean that somebody is going to die. It doesn't mean that evil spirits want to attack that person. It just fell. Hang it back up.
  
  
• God, demons, angels, etc. can make you think and do things.
  
  I was taught that at any time I could lose control of my ability to think for myself. I'd become possessed or tricked into making mistakes. If I let myself get tricked or possessed, it was because I didn't have enough faith in God, and God would be angry with me for not having faith. Mistakes were not just mistakes, not just a lack of knowledge or experience. Mistakes were evil, and if I made a mistake, then I was evil.
  
  No wonder I became a perfectionist.
  
  
• Your thoughts can make things happen.
  
  I was taught that if you thought about something, then that something would happen. It was like making a wish or saying a prayer. God would answer it by doing it. If you thought about getting hit by a car, then you'd get hit by a car. It's easy to say that's not true, but I see it in our culture all the time. For example, The Secret, is a book all about how whatever you think about will happen. They call it the law of attraction and act as if it's mystical. It's not.
  
  If you never think about brushing your teeth, then you won't brush your teeth, so yes, thought is required to make something happen. But just thinking about brushing my teeth doesn't get my teeth clean. Likewise, thinking about killing somebody doesn't make you a murderer.

I've even noticed the power of belief creating hallucinations in the people I talk to. Did you smell that? Did you see that? Did you hear that? Did you feel that? Sometimes one person would say they sensed something, and suddenly everyone else would start claiming they sensed it too. The power of suggestion.

I'm raising my kids as agnostics, free thinkers, and giving them the chance to decide what they want to believe, but I'm doing my best to ensure that science and logic are sought before religion when trying to answer questions, determine causes, or find solutions. I'm amazed by how healthy they are, how different they are compared to how I was when I was their age, compared to how my family members and friends were when they were their age. My children don't have the anxiety. They aren't constantly afraid or ashamed. They believe they can do anything. They aren't afraid of the dark. They don't blame their problems on the devil or punishment by God. They take responsibility for their actions. And they're happy.

Maybe mental health problems need a little less focus on healing symptoms and a little more focus on healing the roots of problems. Maybe we need detox and rehab centers for people who were raised with absurd, unhealthy religious beliefs.

Labels: Deep Thoughts and Philosophy, Health, The Quest for Happiness

I'm watching Obsessed right now on A&E. It's a show about people with anxiety, phobias, OCD, etc. I have to say, I'm so happy that there is a show about this, so maybe other people can understand what it's like to have these problems.

One of the nicest feelings is that when I watch this show I feel so free. I know what those people are going through, but that's not me anymore. I don't have any of those terrifying thoughts now. I don't have the urge to do things 3 times. I don't collect unnecessary things. I don't need to do repetitive tasks to keep my brain busy to avoid those intrusive thoughts. I don't need to pack the insane amount of stuff with me when I leave the house. I'm not afraid of dying anymore. I'm not afraid of losing my loved ones anymore. I'm not afraid of contamination like I used to be (I'm at a much more reasonable level now). I don't have panic attacks. And I'm not clinging to all those underlying emotional problems. Yes, I still get stressed out, and when that happens some of those old symptoms start to appear again, but I can make them go away now. Such a nice feeling.

I watch this show, and I just want to give everyone a big hug and tell them that it can get better, but it takes work. It's not easy work, but it's worth it.

Labels: Health, My Life, The Quest for Happiness

I'm tired. I've just finished a week in the Newberry National Volcanic Monument.

Whenever I go camping, I eat. I stress eat. And eat. And eat. Then I eat high calorie foods and drink high calorie drinks. I almost always come back from traveling, camping, etc. a couple pounds heavier. I was determined that this time I would come back weighing the same or less. I haven't weighed myself yet, but I'm very proud of my eating habits.

I was worried that I wouldn't get enough exercise. No problem there. We hiked through the lava tubes. Hiked over the Big Obsidian Flow. Gazed at waterfalls. Hiked along rivers. And then we biked through Sun River. The wonderful part was that the last time I did any of that stuff, I was so out of shape that I struggled through it. This time, it was all easy, so easy that I wanted to do more but my kids couldn't keep up. Oh the irony.

I also conquered one of my biggest fears on the way home: driving the truck with the RV trailer from start to end, parked it and all (none of that "just during the easy parts" stuff). My children made a "Driving the Trailer" badge/emblem for me to mark my accomplishment. The badge had a big K on it. Why? My kids said that it was because I graduated the kindergarten level of RV driving. To graduate higher levels I need to be able to do it "without Daddy's help." I'll work on that.

I got home and turned on the TV. Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcette are dead. I'm not surprised about Farah. So sad that she had to die of cancer. I hate cancer. Cancer has killed or threatened the lives of so many people I love. It's horrible to watch somebody die of it. I want to do whatever I can to keep myself, my husband, and my children from falling victim to it. Michael Jackson's death surprised me, but we all die, and I'm OK with that, so I'm not too shocked. I was never really a fan anyhow. Liked a few of his songs. Liked Weird Al's versions of his music better. At least he got to die rather quickly, not with all that suffering the comes from cancer. I wonder how long it will be before people start saying, "He's still alive! I saw him at 7-11 with Elvis."

Labels: Current Events, Health, My Life, The Quest for Happiness

Life is short, so time is precious. If you're not spending your time doing something you love, then you're wasting moments of your life.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

Be prepared to look like an idiot. If you spend your whole life trying to avoid making a fool of yourself... 1) You're not going to have much fun. 2) You're never going to accomplish anything because you'll be too worried about making mistakes. 3) You'll be more likely to do the wrong thing because it pleases the masses rather than doing the right thing, which may piss a few people off. I say, if you're going to do something that will make you look like an idiot, do it flamboyantly, do it publicly, make money off of it if you can, and learn to laugh at yourself. (After all, nothing makes you laugh harder than laughing at yourself.)

Labels: Deep Thoughts and Philosophy, The Quest for Happiness

There's no shame in saying, "I was wrong before, but I know better now."

You can change your position, your platform, your goals, your identity, your affiliations, and even your founding beliefs about the very nature of your own life. Growing from your mistakes is a perfect place for pride.

Shame belongs to the stubborn people who refuse to change their minds even in the face of overwhelming evidence to support that they are wrong. Stubbornness doesn't make you look strong, and it certainly doesn't make you right. It just makes you look foolish.

Labels: Deep Thoughts and Philosophy, The Quest for Happiness

I've been listening a lot to The Secret, A New Earth, and a bunch of other mainstream "revolutionary" ideas for happiness (most of which are recycled from ancient philosophies, but I digress). I figured that I should at least give them the respect of knowing what they're all about. Mostly what I have found is that so many people who have discovered "the way to be happy" fail to discuss the importance of suffering.

If we were blissfully happy all the time, we would never feel motivated to progress. We'd be so happy just where we are that we wouldn't want to be anywhere else. We would never venture to discover new things, explore new places, or create anything.

We need dissatisfaction. We need it to push us forward. We need boredom to motivate us to do something. We need to use that criticizing left side of our brain (not the right sided bliss) to think about the world, to solve problems, to know the limits we must put on ourselves, and to generate new ideas. Dissatisfaction and suffering is the reason why our species has evolved to where we are today and why you're even able to read this at all.

I don't want to be like a flower, just sitting there and blissfully waiting for the sun and the rain to nourish it, unaware of the cow that's about to eat it. I want to worry.

I want to know my problems, so I can figure out ways to avoid them. I want to be prepared for natural disasters and household accidents. I want to do everything I can to protect my children and help them grow, to increase my lifespan, to share my life with my husband, and to crawl out of my suffering even stronger and wiser than before.

And then, and only then, can I truly appreciate my moments of bliss, the moments when I get to meditate or embrace the present or laugh. It is the fear of suffering that pushes us to stand up and work and compels us to appreciate the rewards for our efforts.

Every person who has done something amazing has done it by fearing suffering and longing for pleasure, not by sitting blissfully like a flower all the time. Suffering leads us to success.

I embrace suffering with gratitude. I don't say, "Why me?" I say, "Wow, this sucks! This is horrendous. I need to figure out a way to keep this from ever happening to me again. I need to help other people avoid this. Lucky me that I learned from this and survived, so I can do something about it."

How lucky I am to have suffered. How lucky I am to be wiser because of my suffering. How lucky I am to appreciate everything more because I have suffered in its absence (real or imaginary).

Suffering is a gift.

Labels: Deep Thoughts and Philosophy, The Quest for Happiness

You can't create creativity. You have to just open up your soul and let it all spill out, then clean up anything you don't like. And whatever is left over, frame it. It's now art.

Everybody makes art of some sort. Music. Collage. Paintings. Writings. Sculptures. Knitted scarves. Giant balls of lint and aluminum foil. It's all art, and we all make it.

So what's the difference between the kid who secretly keeps all of his art in a box under his bead and a millionaire artist who has her face all over TV, magazine covers, the Internet, and sells their work for thousands of dollars?

The "nobody" artist keeps their art a secret, and the successful artist manifests enough bravery to show off the secrets of their soul, their art, publicly until somebody eventually walks by and says, "I'll buy that."

Of course, there's always the art critics to contend with, but remember, they're just lashing out because they're too cowardly to show off their own secrets, their own art. Ask them to draw a doodle or write a poem on a napkin. That should shut them up.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

Being the driver is great because you get to steer. You get to be in control of a huge piece of machinery, a beast that can efficiently drive you to your destination or run over your dog. You get to decide what it does, where it goes, and how fast it gets there.

But if you're always looking in the rear view mirror at the things you ran over and the places you've been, you'll drive straight into a wall (or into a tree, over a group of school children, or off a cliff...). Glance in your mirror once in awhile because it reminds you of where you came from and helps you figure out if you've missed anything, like the entrance to the parking lot, but but just glance. Only glance! Don't stare at the mirror or the reflections in it.

Always focus on what's ahead of you so you'll know what you're about to run into or when the road is going to turn in a new direction. And get off of the damn phone, put down your text messenger, and pay attention while you're at it.

But mostly importantly, don't forget to plan out where you're going. Use a map, a compass, or a navigator, or ask for directions if you have to. Don't be afraid to drive around the block a second or third time or to make a u-turn if needed. Otherwise you'll end up lost in a bad part of town where some guy wearing shoes made out of chain mail and a t-shirt that reads "I hate Mondays" will steal your car and leave you for dead.

Now excuse me while I draw my map. I'm driving as far away as I can from the "I hate Mondays" guy and planning a trip for Happy Land.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

At some point you have to step back and recognize that you are responsible for the way you choose to live your life.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

Life is not made up of years, or months, or weeks, or even days.

Life is made up of hours, minutes, and seconds.

You have not had a bad year or even a bad day. You simply had a bad hour or perhaps a bad minute. Maybe it was only a few bad seconds. Let it go. It was such a short time.

Make your next second better.

Smile. Do something silly. Fulfill a dream (even if all you can do is take the first step in planning that goal). Hug someone. Create something beautiful. Write a nice note. Tip your server 30%. Tell somebody you love them. Do something nice for a stranger. Be the center of attention and enjoy it.

That is how you make the life you want.

Create as many joyful seconds and minutes as possible and let go of the ones that weren't what you wanted. The more you do this, the happier your life will be.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

Health is the foundation of everything in your life.

It's hard to enjoy your success if you're dead.

The healthier you are, the more energy you have to do what you love.

The healthier you are, the more you can focus on what makes you happy.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

"Success" is achieving the ability to respect yourself, laugh, understand, appreciate, create, have pride in your actions, and live by your own terms.

Money is not success. Money is only a tool to help you achieve success.

Recognition is not success. People recognize failure just as much as they recognize success.

Reputation is not success. Reputation is only a reflection of how other people judge their own lives and has nothing to do with you or your success.

Freedom is not not success. Nobody is ever truly free. We all live within constraints. We must find success within those constraints.

Power is not success. Power over others is simply arrogance in action. A person who feels arrogant enough to exert power over others is not even close to true success because he expends all of his energy trying to stay in power rather than enjoying life.

Submission is not success. Giving up your own desires and will and letting somebody else use you like a puppet, destroys your spirit. There is nothing noble about it.

Love is not success. Love isn't something that you achieve. It is only something that you either feel or don't feel. And whether or not people love is, much like reputation, a reflection of how and why they love themselves.

My success is the ability to respect myself by not letting other people abuse me, to laugh at myself as well as the the people around me and the world itself, to understand the nature of everything (the way physics leads to chemistry, which leads to astronomy, which leads to geology, which leads to biology and evolution, which leads to psychology, which leads to technology, and so forth), to appreciate what I understand as well as what I don't and marvel at the beauty of it all, to create in all forms, to experience that "I did that" feeling no matter what others think of my of what I've done, and to live the way I want to live within the constraints of my reality. I am not rich, powerful, or famous, but I am already successful.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

Everything in your life is temporary, even the things that you wish were permanent. Every person you love, every thing that's important to you, the roles you play, and even your body will all leave you. It's sad when you think about it, but it also forces you to enjoy the moment and take nothing for granted.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

If you want to fulfill a dream, all you need to do is one thing every day toward accomplishing the goal.

One thing.

So what one thing could you do today to make your dream come true?

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

The more I watch and read biographies, the more I realize that life is full of trade-offs, and I'm not willing to trade my children, husband, health, or sanity for fame and fortune.

It seems the happiest rich and famous people are the ones who stop trying to be rich and famous and instead focus on the things they love.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

You can sit around, waiting for somebody to tell you that you can write your book, make your movie, produce your album, display your art at a gallery, create your invention, etc., or you can give yourself permission to just move forward with the next step and see what happens.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

If I have to choose between having people laugh at me or criticize me for trying to make my dreams come true, even if I fail, or safely blending into the crowd but never having my dreams come true, I'll take the criticism and ridicule.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

There are parts of our lives that we're supposed to forget, supposed to pretend they never happened, just so we can stay in the moment and avoid the pain of remembering past pains and the pain of missing past joys. Move forward. Always move forward, and don't look back.

But when we refuse to look back, refuse to remember, we are suggesting that everyone and everything at that time was insignificant. It wasn't. Everything has added to who we are. Every regret. Every accomplishment. Every dream. Every hurt. Everything makes us the people we are today, individually and collectively. To deny that means that we, today, are insignificant, that pieces of each of us is insignificant, that our children and friends and joys and futures are insignificant.

Remembering the past does not keep you from moving forward. Forgetting it does. Forgetting it stops you from growing, stops you from learning from your mistakes and your successes.
Forgetting it waters down the emotions, the love we feel when we're with somebody we care about, the pride we feel when we overcome obstacles, the hope we have which keeps us going. The more we forget, the more we shrink into numbness.

In that numbness, it takes more to stimulate us. We must drink more to feel giddy. We must smoke more to feel calm. We must eat more and have sex more and push ourselves to the edge more to feel pleasure. We must drug ourselves more just to feel normal. All of the quantities increase, but the quality steadily declines. And all because we forget.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

It amazes me how many people want to demonstrate that they can't be controlled by external demands by doing the opposite. Ahhh, the rebel, the nonconformist, the school boy/girl who epitomizes cool. They imprison themselves by their own immature reactions. How sad to see so many intelligent individuals continuing to live life based on the opinions of others.

When you base your actions on what somebody else wants rather than what you want for yourself, you are giving that other person control. It doesn't matter if you're following their instructions or rebelling against them. The very fact that you have made decisions, beliefs, actions, etc. as a response to that other person (or people or society in general) indicates that you are actually letting yourself be controlled by them.

When you truly have control over your own actions, you become mindful of what you want and what you are doing. You act with intention rather than reaction. Know what's really important to you, not what others have taught you that you are supposed to value. Think about life, religion, science, philosophy, relationships, goals, death, etc. Challenge everything you've ever been taught. Be honest with yourself. Some things will make sense, so you'll keep them in your life. Some things won't, so you'll abandon them.

Once you find out who you are, what you want, and all of the other things people look for when they're finding themselves, you suddenly find yourself doing your own thing. When others criticize you for your actions, you are not swayed. When others praise you for your actions, you are not swayed. You do what you do because you believe it to be the right thing to do, not because others judge it one way or the other.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness