Every year I make a list of goals I want to accomplish, and I go throughout the year trying to check each one off of my list as I finish them. Some years I give up and decide not to do any at all just because the idea of checking things off a list is too much pressure in this already over-demanding world. And now it's January first again, and I'm pondering what things I want to accomplish, to complete, to finish. But this year I had a different perspective.

I firmly believe that the purpose of life is to be happy and to seek happiness when you aren't happy. Not just avoid pain or discomfort but to actively strive for happiness and to experience as much of it as possible in the short time we have here. So I've been pondering, as I often do, about what makes me happy, and that's when I came back to my thoughts about my traditional list of new year's resolutions.

If the goal of the list is to check things off of the list, to be finished and done with them, and one of the goals is happiness, then what happens when you achieve happiness? Do you check it off the list and stop pursuing it because you've completed that task? I think some people do that. "I will be happy when I do this or that." And they accomplish those tasks, and they are happy for awhile, but then what? They go back to being generally unsatisfied, longing for something more, and generally miserable. I don't want to be one of those people.

So I'm not going to check things off of any giant list of important things I want to do this year. Instead of making a list of things I want to complete, I'm making a list of things that I will enjoy and continue to enjoy more, and I am promising myself that I will focus more on the process of doing what I love to do rather than the results.

Results are never good enough for me anyhow. When I'm finished with anything, I always look at what I've accomplished so critically, noting every flaw and every need for improvement, and insulting myself for not doing better. And in the end, I find myself hating myself and dreading the next project because I know the results won't be any better. But I think I'm done with that way of looking at things, and I've learned this mostly by watching my kids.

My kids will spend hours doing things that don't result in anything productive other than having fun. I'm trying to learn how to do that again without feeling terribly guilty. What frightens me, though, is that I've noticed my kids are starting to focus on results rather than processes lately. They'll spend hours doing something they enjoy only to have the entire experience leave them in tears when the results aren't as good as they had hoped them to be. And worst of all, they seem to forget about how fun the process was in the first place and simply judge the day as good or bad based on a few minutes of disappointing results rather than hours of joyful process. They are starting to avoid giving themselves credit for learning new things unless they have something, some symbol, to show that they have acquired new knowledge or skills. They agonize over winning and losing rather than the joy of playing a game. And the more time that they spend in school and organizations and with competitive friends, the more I see this happening. I don't want them to go through life like that, not like I did, always feeling like a failure even with a long list of successful accomplishments and gold stars because you're not in first place or the outcome of your efforts wasn't perfect. And the only way I can teach them the importance of enjoying the process of living rather than focusing on results accomplishing tasks is to live my life with such an outlook as well.

So my resolutions for 2010 (and beyond) are to enjoy life, enjoy the things that help me enjoy life more (such as improving my physical and mental health and financial stability), and to help the people I care about enjoy their lives.

Labels: Deep Thoughts and Philosophy, Goals

I'm a very techno-geeky person. I love gadgets. I love software. I love networks.

So I started putting all of my appointments, events, schedules, etc. on MS Outlook (so I can send invites to other people using MS Outlook), synced with my Incite phone (so I know my schedule when I'm not at my laptop), and synced with Google Calendar (in case I lose my laptop and my phone in a tragic fire started by a freak tornado spawned by global warming).

Has it made my more organized? More aware of my schedule? More punctual? Nope. In fact, I honestly don't know what I'm doing for more than a couple days ahead of time because I don't have it nicely posted on my refrigerator or laid out in my household notebook. I can only see one week at a time on my computer, and one day at a time on my phone, so that's all I know.

I had to visit my doctor again, this time for a UTI. Not fun :-( And my doctor asked a very simple question that any person might have asked, "What are you doing this weekend?" I had no freakin' idea what I was going to do even though the weekend was only a couple days away. I wasn't even sure if I was camping or not or lighting fireworks or not. It wasn't one of my most "I'm an organized, intellectual person" moments. Why? Because I never saw it on paper.

I'm a very visual person, but my brain only seems to remember things as they fit within larger things. I remember directions if see them on a map, not a little map, a big map. I remember lectures if I see the notes, not just about the single lecture but the whole course thus far. And I remember my calendar if I see the whole calendar, not just a day or a week at a time. (I can access electronic organizers for scheduling things, setting up appointments, shuffling things around, etc. I did it all the time when I was working in offices and answering phones, but I can't remember it after the electronic organizer is turned off.) Maybe my brain just is old fashioned that way, like the grandparent who can't set the clock on their VCR or DVD player.

I may not need to remember everything. I may not need to remember appointment schedules for clients, directions to a place I will only visit one time in my life, or formulas for calculating astrophysics (even though I've had to do all of those things before). But I do need to remember my calendars and schedule for my personal life, family life, business life, vacation time, etc.

So I went back to my good ol' paper calendars. I'm still using Outlook (so I can send event info to other people), my phone (so I can look up schedules on the go, such as for making appointments on the spot rather than having to go home and call back to make it), and Google Calendar (as a backup). But I have to plan things out with my paper calendars, post the current ones on a bulletin board, file away past or future ones in my household notebook, etc.

I thought that if I just printed out my electronic calendar, I'd be fine. But it doesn't print out in a way that works well. Words get chopped off. Everything looks the same. You can't control formats. Blah blah blah. I have to use one of the calendars I've designed myself.

It's really not that big of a deal. I'm using my paper calendar as my primary calendar. The electronic organizers are just a convenience. It only takes a few seconds to copy one to the other.

Problem Solved

Labels: Goals, My Life, Problem Solved

Between Thanksgiving and today I've gained 10 lbs. I'm 184 lbs. this morning (which means I've gained back a total of 16 lbs. of the weight I had lost). Oh well, better to gain 10 lbs. in one month because there were so many delicious desserts and cheeses in my hands than to lose 10 lbs. in one month because we couldn't afford food.

Am I to say, "Woe is me because I ate cookies and candy by the handfuls" while other people are looking for scraps in trash cans? And then there are people in remote desolate places of the world who only wish they had trash cans they could search through. Am I to say, "Woe is me because I didn't have to spend 12 hours a day laboring in a physically demanding job" while other people are digging in mines and lifting heavy rocks and timbers? So I will not be complaining about my weight. How lucky I am to be able to gain it while others die in skinny, bony bodies from lack of nutrition.

But I will not be naive either. To much of anything, even a good thing, is simply too much. (It's a lesson I've been trying to teach my children, but I'm afraid I'm rarely a good role model since I tend to vacillate between extremes in much of what I do.) Too much of the good life with lots of good food and little need to struggle in physical work has left me in an unhealthy state.

It's odd since health is so important to me. I avoid carcinogens as if they were infected with the plague and would kill us all immediately. I refuse to consume hydrogenated oils, artificial anything, or large quantities of corn syrup. I do as much as I can to avoid becoming contaminated by germs outside of my home. I focus on safety first in everything I do because I fear that harm will come if I don't. I do it all to prolong my life and the lives of the people I love and to make our lives more pleasurable and fulfilling. But when it comes to my excess weight and sedentary lifestyle, I am my greatest health risk.

So again, I start a New Year with the resolution to get to a healthier weight (130 lbs. is always the goal but I'd be better off with any improvement). My goal is not to fit into the latest fashions or turn heads. I simply want to be healthy, energetic, and agile. I want to set a good example of health for my kids. And I want to enjoy the process. I don't want to do exercises that I dread; life is too short to do things we hate. I'm determined to find something active that I enjoy doing. And I certainly won't be participating in any fad diets. Moderation is always the panacea.

But above all I will avoid complaining about how blessed I am to have the opportunities to be fat while so many others are starving and physically overtaxed. It's like complaining about having too much money and not having to work for it. I refuse to be so spoiled.

Labels: Goals, My Life