I decided to organize some of the emails I had been collecting and randomly clicked on one. Turned out it was an email from my dad (who died from pancreatic cancer 5 years ago). The email was about my grandfather who had a stroke and was about to die (9 years ago). My father talked about the last time he had worked with my grandpa in his workshop not too long before, an activity he loved to do with his dad. It was heartbreaking to read the sorrow that my father was going through, mostly because it's the same sorrow I went through when he died. I hate the thought of my children going through that same grief when my husband and I go.

The part that really tore me up was that he went on about how my grandfather and my dad had a conversation about me, in which my grandfather said he was planning on coming to my wedding and was very proud that I was in college and had chosen a career that would help people. For some reason, I don't remember reading that part before, although I know I must have, so it was like reading it for the first time. And then that immediately brought back the memory of dancing with my dad at my wedding and how during that dance he told me how proud he was of me for everything I was doing in my life. That was one of the happiest moments of my life. Funny how no matter what we do, we're always trying to get the approval of our parents somehow.

I wonder if they knew how much I admired them, how much they inspired me, and how proud I am of them.

So my morning of trying to be productive and getting things in order physically has just turned into a morning of trying to get things in order emotionally. That always happens when I least expect it.

Labels: Inspiring People I Admire, My Life

Every year I make a list of goals I want to accomplish, and I go throughout the year trying to check each one off of my list as I finish them. Some years I give up and decide not to do any at all just because the idea of checking things off a list is too much pressure in this already over-demanding world. And now it's January first again, and I'm pondering what things I want to accomplish, to complete, to finish. But this year I had a different perspective.

I firmly believe that the purpose of life is to be happy and to seek happiness when you aren't happy. Not just avoid pain or discomfort but to actively strive for happiness and to experience as much of it as possible in the short time we have here. So I've been pondering, as I often do, about what makes me happy, and that's when I came back to my thoughts about my traditional list of new year's resolutions.

If the goal of the list is to check things off of the list, to be finished and done with them, and one of the goals is happiness, then what happens when you achieve happiness? Do you check it off the list and stop pursuing it because you've completed that task? I think some people do that. "I will be happy when I do this or that." And they accomplish those tasks, and they are happy for awhile, but then what? They go back to being generally unsatisfied, longing for something more, and generally miserable. I don't want to be one of those people.

So I'm not going to check things off of any giant list of important things I want to do this year. Instead of making a list of things I want to complete, I'm making a list of things that I will enjoy and continue to enjoy more, and I am promising myself that I will focus more on the process of doing what I love to do rather than the results.

Results are never good enough for me anyhow. When I'm finished with anything, I always look at what I've accomplished so critically, noting every flaw and every need for improvement, and insulting myself for not doing better. And in the end, I find myself hating myself and dreading the next project because I know the results won't be any better. But I think I'm done with that way of looking at things, and I've learned this mostly by watching my kids.

My kids will spend hours doing things that don't result in anything productive other than having fun. I'm trying to learn how to do that again without feeling terribly guilty. What frightens me, though, is that I've noticed my kids are starting to focus on results rather than processes lately. They'll spend hours doing something they enjoy only to have the entire experience leave them in tears when the results aren't as good as they had hoped them to be. And worst of all, they seem to forget about how fun the process was in the first place and simply judge the day as good or bad based on a few minutes of disappointing results rather than hours of joyful process. They are starting to avoid giving themselves credit for learning new things unless they have something, some symbol, to show that they have acquired new knowledge or skills. They agonize over winning and losing rather than the joy of playing a game. And the more time that they spend in school and organizations and with competitive friends, the more I see this happening. I don't want them to go through life like that, not like I did, always feeling like a failure even with a long list of successful accomplishments and gold stars because you're not in first place or the outcome of your efforts wasn't perfect. And the only way I can teach them the importance of enjoying the process of living rather than focusing on results accomplishing tasks is to live my life with such an outlook as well.

So my resolutions for 2010 (and beyond) are to enjoy life, enjoy the things that help me enjoy life more (such as improving my physical and mental health and financial stability), and to help the people I care about enjoy their lives.

Labels: Deep Thoughts and Philosophy, Goals

No matter what crisis happens, whether it be illness, injury, financial devastation, loss of reputation, victimization, or death, there's one thing I've learned you can't do. You can't sit around waiting for a hero.

No one is coming to save you. It's not a threat; it's a philosophy.

If you live with this philosophy, you tend to make a habit of figuring out how to save yourself. You manage your health because you know that nobody can do it for you. You manage your money and ensure that you have a variety of career skills that you can use to get a job to protect yourself from falling into poverty (and if you do fall into it, you'll work to get yourself out). You imagine the worst that could happen, the horrible things you don't really want to think about, and you ask yourself the hardest question of all: "What would I do in that worst-case-scenario?" You rehearse mentally for those dreaded events, even the little ones, so when they happen, you'll know what to do, and you won't fall apart.

Along with mentally rehearsing for the big problems, you must practice being calm and focused when dealing with little problems. When you freak out over something simple, it becomes a habit. It teaches your brain that every time there is a problem, big or small, you should freak out, panic, and lose control. If you panic, you won't be able to save yourself.

A common excuse I hear from people who refuse to help themselves is that they "can't." You can endure more than you ever imagined you could. You can accomplish more than you think you can. Don't fall into the trap that you are weak and frail and can't take care of things yourself. Even in your greatest moments of suffering, you can endure and you can thrive, even if you're all alone, even if you feel like nobody cares about you.

The save-yourself philosophy doesn't mean that you shouldn't ask for help. You should ask for help! You should recognize when you've hit the limit of your own expertise or ability and seek assistance. The ability to ask for help shows that you are a strong person who isn't afraid of their own limitations. But when you do need it, YOU have to be the one to find it; you need to be the one to stand up and ask for it. Don't feel sorry for yourself and wait for help to show up at your front door. It doesn't work. Get up and save yourself. No one will do it for you.

Labels: The Quest for Happiness

I've been repeatedly trying to explain health care reform ideas to people, and it's getting rather exhausting. It seems like most people only see extremes presented by media, lobbyists, and politicians (none of which can be believed because they're each trying to hype their own agendas).

Today, I saw this, and I love it!

Labels: Activism, Health