I'm watching Obsessed right now on A&E. It's a show about people with anxiety, phobias, OCD, etc. I have to say, I'm so happy that there is a show about this, so maybe other people can understand what it's like to have these problems.

One of the nicest feelings is that when I watch this show I feel so free. I know what those people are going through, but that's not me anymore. I don't have any of those terrifying thoughts now. I don't have the urge to do things 3 times. I don't collect unnecessary things. I don't need to do repetitive tasks to keep my brain busy to avoid those intrusive thoughts. I don't need to pack the insane amount of stuff with me when I leave the house. I'm not afraid of dying anymore. I'm not afraid of losing my loved ones anymore. I'm not afraid of contamination like I used to be (I'm at a much more reasonable level now). I don't have panic attacks. And I'm not clinging to all those underlying emotional problems. Yes, I still get stressed out, and when that happens some of those old symptoms start to appear again, but I can make them go away now. Such a nice feeling.

I watch this show, and I just want to give everyone a big hug and tell them that it can get better, but it takes work. It's not easy work, but it's worth it.

Labels: Health, My Life, The Quest for Happiness

I made the mistake of drinking regular coffee today. I have no tolerance for caffeine anymore, so I've been in bed for the last 3 hours staring at my blue LED night light (I hate when it's just too dark, gotta have a night light) all because my adenosine receptors in my brain are blocked by those tiny caffeine molecules. (All hyped up and no biochemistry final to study for.)

So I started having those strange random thoughts that happen when you're staring at a blue LED for 3 hours, like "I wonder if my kindergarten teacher is still alive" and "I wonder what all those kids from kindergarten are doing these days. Maybe I'll look them up." (Maybe it's the gossiper in me, but I frequently find myself in the middle of the night looking up people from my past to see what they're up to. I have issues.) But I couldn't really remember anybody's name from back then. Well, almost anybody. I did recall a couple -- my first boyfriend and his brother. (Odd how the memories from my past almost always involve my having a crush on some boy.)

I was 5 years old and lived in California. I don't remember a lot about him. His name was Matthew. He had a brother named Mark. He lived down the street from my house. I forced him to play with Barbies and make believe that we were grown up and living in a house together. His favorite game to play was doctor. (Oh the irony.) I vividly recall a day when his sister brought him over to my house. He had a bunch of purple flowers in one hand and a candy necklace in the other, all for me. How sweet. I was instantly smitten. We played as we normally did, then he said something like "Hey, let's hide back here," pulling me toward the bushes that lined the back wall of my backyard. We went behind the bushes. I sat down, and he sat next to me with his knees pulled up to his chest. I remember that he was wearing shorts, so his legs were naked, and, even at the age of 5, I liked that (I was definitely born heterosexual). He asked me to kiss him, and I bashfully said no. Then he kissed me on the cheek and asked me to kiss him back. I was still to bashful to comply, so he asked again. (Stubborn kid.) I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I thought I probably should kiss him, but I also didn't want to make God mad at me and send me to hell for kissing a boy (it's one of the things we learned in Sunday school; God hates it when little girls kiss boys because the devil makes you want to do it), so I decided to compromise. I wouldn't kiss him on the cheek as he wanted. Instead, I'd kiss a safe place, some place God wouldn't be the least bit upset about. I bashfully kissed Matthew's bare knee. Poor boy, such a let down for a first kiss.

So I'm sitting here with insomnia and decided to look him up online just to satisfy my "whatever happened to" curiosity. (And might I just take a moment to note that I'm a very happily married woman who is in no way looking for old flames to hook up with but does have a strange overwhelming interest in what old friends, classmates, crushes, etc. are up to. I'm quite a nosey person really. Just wanted to make that clear.) I searched for my old kindergarten on some of those "say hi to your old classmates" sites to see if perhaps Matthew was on there. He wasn't, but I did find my sister, so I said hi to her instead. (I was also hoping I'd find some names or faces that looked familiar, but there were none that I recognized.)

I Googled his name and his brother's name together along with California to see if I could narrow things down a bit and give myself something more reasonable to search through. Do you have any idea how many people name their sons Matthew and Mark? Darn popularity of the New Testament.

And then I remembered that Matthew and Mark were idential twins, so I Googled their names with the word identical twins. Still too many. Then I added things like ages and potential years of birth. Results: Matthew Hughes, a mixed martial arts champ who honestly looks kinds like a grown-up version of my first boyfriend and is about the same age. Could it be? No. He was born and raised in Illinois, not California, so he's disqualified. (Oh well, it would have been funny at the next family reunion.)

There were others in the search results: artistis, musicians, and so forth, but there wasn't enough information about any of them to lead to anything worth looking at further (they all need better websites and a stronger desire to make their biographies public).

Oh well, the gossiping girl in me will just have to find something else to think about as I lay in bed looking at that blue LED night light. Hmmm, maybe I can count sheep in French. Un, deux, trois...

Labels: My Life

I'm tired. I've just finished a week in the Newberry National Volcanic Monument.

Whenever I go camping, I eat. I stress eat. And eat. And eat. Then I eat high calorie foods and drink high calorie drinks. I almost always come back from traveling, camping, etc. a couple pounds heavier. I was determined that this time I would come back weighing the same or less. I haven't weighed myself yet, but I'm very proud of my eating habits.

I was worried that I wouldn't get enough exercise. No problem there. We hiked through the lava tubes. Hiked over the Big Obsidian Flow. Gazed at waterfalls. Hiked along rivers. And then we biked through Sun River. The wonderful part was that the last time I did any of that stuff, I was so out of shape that I struggled through it. This time, it was all easy, so easy that I wanted to do more but my kids couldn't keep up. Oh the irony.

I also conquered one of my biggest fears on the way home: driving the truck with the RV trailer from start to end, parked it and all (none of that "just during the easy parts" stuff). My children made a "Driving the Trailer" badge/emblem for me to mark my accomplishment. The badge had a big K on it. Why? My kids said that it was because I graduated the kindergarten level of RV driving. To graduate higher levels I need to be able to do it "without Daddy's help." I'll work on that.

I got home and turned on the TV. Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcette are dead. I'm not surprised about Farah. So sad that she had to die of cancer. I hate cancer. Cancer has killed or threatened the lives of so many people I love. It's horrible to watch somebody die of it. I want to do whatever I can to keep myself, my husband, and my children from falling victim to it. Michael Jackson's death surprised me, but we all die, and I'm OK with that, so I'm not too shocked. I was never really a fan anyhow. Liked a few of his songs. Liked Weird Al's versions of his music better. At least he got to die rather quickly, not with all that suffering the comes from cancer. I wonder how long it will be before people start saying, "He's still alive! I saw him at 7-11 with Elvis."

Labels: Current Events, Health, My Life, The Quest for Happiness

I've previously had some print versions of my calendars on Lulu.com, for my website visitors who didn't want to arrange and print out their own household organizers.

I recently learned that Lulu.com has chosen my calendars for distributions through Amazon.com. It's certainly nice to see my stuff available on Amazon.com, but I doubt I'll be making any sales there since they're for previous years. Who wants to buy and old calendar?

I love the idea of being able to publish a book with Lulu and have it automatically show up on Amazon, though. I think I may just have to start putting together some new organizers and workbooks for publication (maybe something that doesn't become obsolete after 1 year), and since they'll be going to a wider market, I suppose I should make an effort to create nice looking covers, too.

Labels: Blogging and Websites