I woke up, booted up my computer, and started my morning "read the news feed as I drink my tea" routine. Today, I noticed two articles that caught my attention. (I won't be sourcing either because I don't like to point fingers when I criticize something.)

The first article was about the importance of opposite-sex friendships. These friendships do not include sexual acts. They usually provide a source of perspective that isn't common among people of the same sex, fulfill emotional roles that may not be available in same-sex friendships, allow open communication without competition, and can be just as emotionally bonding as same-sex friendships.

The second article was about the problems emotional infidelity (adultery without the act of sex). This article suggested that having a non-sexual relationship with somebody who is a member of the opposite sex and involves providing emotional support, companionship, discussing feelings, discussing romantic relationships, and feeling love for each other is cheating. The author, who appears to be a therapist, suggests that opposite-sex relationships should be treated as adultery.

I think both articles make good points, but they both neglect a key component: sexual attraction. The emotional infidelity article completely failed to recognize that it is possible to have an opposite-sex friendship that functions in ways similar to same-sex friendships (as noted in the first article) without there being a sexual attraction. Meanwhile, the first article, promoting opposite-sex friendships, failed to recognize that sexual attraction is possible in those friendships even if it isn't acted upon.

I am female. I have many friends who are male, and I'm not sexually attracted to any of them, but according to article number two, I shouldn't be friends with these wonderful people because we have different body parts.

I also have a friend who is dealing with a husband who quite obviously isn't being faithful and uses the "she's just a friend" excuse. According to article one, my friend should try to embrace the friendship between her cheating husband and his inappropriately affectionate female buddy whom he is obviously sexually attracted to.

I've read other articles that suggest you simply shouldn't be friends with somebody of the opposite sex if you are sexually attracted to them or feel that you may one day become sexually attracted to them if you are also already in a romantic relationship.

Hmmm...

I can understand the idea that if you are sexually attracted to somebody, and you're already in a romantic relationship, that you should avoid temptation. But does that mean you should completely isolate yourself from anyone whom you find attractive? I've known many guys whom I initially found attractive (it's the reason my female brain decided to talk to them in the first place). Some of them I met while I was dating other guys, whom I never intended to cheat on. After getting to know these attractive guys better, I realized that I wasn't actually sexually interested in them at all, but I did like them very much. Some of them are now some of my most important friends, and I have zero desire to be in a physical relationship with any of them.

I can also understand the concern of "What if I start off not being sexually attracted to somebody and eventually become attracted to them?" Why put yourself in a position of possible future temptation and complication? But if I used that kind of logic, I wouldn't be able to have a deep conversation with anyone of the opposite-sex, not even a male physician or psychologist to discuss my personal problems, because I might one day find them attractive. If I can never have a deep conversation with a man while I'm in a romantic relationship, then how am I supposed to get a non-biased male perspective about my romantic relationship?

And here's an entirely different possibility: what if you current relationship doesn't last forever? When I met my husband, I was dating a friend of his. The friend actually introduced us. I initially thought that my future-husband was an attractive man, but I certainly had no plans to cheat, and I never did. I set that attraction aside and became his friend. (He also says that he had no sexual attraction toward me.) My romantic relationship eventually ended because we were just way too different (had nothing to do with the new mutual friend/my future husband), but I still had my new friendship with this wonderful man to help me through. He was even very helpful in giving me an honest male perspective about other men I had briefly dated after the failed relationship, and I gave him the female perspective about the women he was interested in. Eventually, and unexpectedly, our non-sexual friendship became romantic. We've been together ever since, and I think that our strong non-sexual friendship prior to our romantic relationship is the foundation that has made our marriage so successful.

My husband continues to have close friendships with other women. I continue to have close friendships with other men. Neither of us are cheating on each other.

Honestly, I don't care if he's sexually attracted to any of his female friends. I trust that he won't take it any feelings of attraction further than "hey, she's cute," and I'm OK with that. I hope he feels the same way about my friendships with men.

And then there are the "what if" thoughts people ask me about. What if I dropped dead tomorrow and one of his female friends ends up becoming a romantic interest in his life? What if they became the new step-mom to my children? What if? What if? Well, I'm fine with that. I hope his next romantic partner is somebody whom he is friends with and feels connected to. I want him to be happy. Besides, I like his female friends. I think each of them would make a fine step-mother. So that doesn't bother me. In fact, it makes me feel comforted to know that he has good taste in women (if I may say so myself).

So back to the articles. Article 1: Can men and women be friends and not have sex? Yes! Article 2: Even if they're attracted to each other, can they be friends without cheating on their romantic partner? Yes!

So what's the real question people should be asking about the male-female friend while in a romantic relationship debate? I don't think it's about sexual attraction. I don't think it's about emotional connections and deep conversations. I don't even think it's about flirting. I think it's about trust. Do you trust your partner? Do you trust that they aren't going to become sexually involved with other people? Do you trust that they will properly prioritize their time and energy to put the romantic relationship first without neglecting their platonic friendship? Do you trust that they will keep all of their relationships (family, friends, coworkers, romantic, etc.) in a healthy balance?

Or are you scared that they'll leave you behind? (And that's a whole different issue.)

Labels: Deep Thoughts and Philosophy