I used to hope that "one day" I'd be free of anxiety disorders, free of OCD, and just plain ol' normal. Today though, I (with the help of my therapist) realized that I will probably always have anxiety disorders, more than the average population does. I have to think of it as a chronic lifelong disorder. I've had it since I was a little kid, and I will probably always have it. It has manifested itself in dozens of ways and it has led to depression, phobias, compulsions, and some bad decisions (like binge eating or shopping) to comfort myself. Worst of all, it can sometimes leave me incapacitated and keeps me from being the mother and wife I want to be.

I've read book after book about how to "cure your anxiety" or "stop anxiety," but those books are wrong. It isn't something that I can cure, something that will stop one day. It will always be there. For me, it's a chronic, longterm disorder. I will always have to manage it. I will always have to carefully manage my stress levels, physical health, and cognitive habits, similar to the way that a type 1 diabetic will always have to carefully manage their sugar levels, diet, and lifestyle. I can't take a day off from management without seriously screwing up my brain. I have to do it every day, forever.

It's really not such a bad thing. There are worse things in the world to deal with, so why should I complain? It's just the idea that bothers me, the idea that I can't let go like other people can. It's like my asthma. I grew up with asthma, so I couldn't do things that other kids did. I couldn't do sports. PE teachers hated me. And my sedentary lifestyle led to being overweight. I always envied the athletic kids. Eventually I learned to just accept it, to manage it.

And now it's the same thing with my stress levels. I can't be spontaneous. I have to plan as much as I can. I have to stay on a routine. And at the same time, I can't obsess about it or try to be perfect with my management efforts because that would also cause problems. I need to avoid things that might create stressful situations. That means that there are many things that I wanted to do but I can't do without risking screwing up my brain.

Oh well, it will be OK. Things always work out. Good comes from everything. And I'm sure it will be much easier than it seems.

Labels: My Life