I'm tired of having horrible movies playing in my head constantly. I'm having a hard time making them stop lately. I'm starting a new wave of therapy.

On the positive side, there's nothing to make you appreciate life like watching your loved ones die several dozen times per day within unwanted mental movies.

The stress of it all is exhausting. I can't sleep. When I do sleep I have nightmares. When I'm awake, I have intrusive thoughts. I just constantly feel tense and nervous. Every noise or unexpected movement makes me jump. I'm trying everything I can to relax, but the more I relax, the more I seem to have those horrible thoughts. It's better to just keep my mind busy all the time, so I've been spending lots of time learning stuff and solving problems, the more complex the better.

And, of course, there's the compulsions. I've been working on those lately with CBT. The CBT isn't as effective for the intrusive thoughts though.

I refuse to go back on medication. I'm convinced I can manage it with psychological counseling, diet, and exercise. I just wish I could relax, just for an hour or two. I'm so tired.

Labels: My Life