The other day, I was at my kids' school. I was acting ultra silly, being far noisier than the school staff preferred, and entertaining the kids (who were very bored while waiting in line). The kids in line were laughing and enjoying the show, kids walking off to music class or lunch were giggling, and the occasional adult would stare or smile.

Then one of the other parents pointed out that I should probably stop because I was attracting too much attention.

"That's OK," I said, and I continued acting like a clown.

"Well, everybody's looking at you," they said.

I looked up. They were right. Everybody was looking at me. EVERYBODY. Even a dozen parents, teachers, and staff who were flashing less-than-happy looks. I'm assuming it was because my one-woman show was getting the kids excited. (Lots of people seem to get annoyed when kids aren't quiet and obedient. That drives me nuts at a schools. School should be fun.)

"I don't care," I replied. And I really didn't.

That's when I had one of those moments when you step outside of yourself, your body and brain just continue the behavior on auto-pilot, and you see yourself from a new perspective.

"Well, well, Ms. Kristen," I said to myself. "You certainly have lost your social anxieties."

This small moment was actually a big deal for me. I had spent so many years of my life being afraid to act myself or draw attention because I was convinced that when you stand out, you open yourself up to criticism. And I was deathly afraid of criticism. And rejection was the worst thing that I could think of. I was quite the introvert while growing up because of this. And it made me miserable. I had always looked at people who shined in the spotlight and wondered why they were allowed to do it, but I couldn't. Why were they so comfortable with themselves, but I had to try to conform to how everybody else wanted me to act?

But that was a long time ago, and I'm certainly not shy anymore. It's easy to be the center of attention when people respond well to your actions, but even with those dozen peers openly showing their irritation about my behavior, I didn't mind the spotlight. I just didn't care what they thought.

My goal was to entertain a bunch of bored kids, to make their lives a bit happier, to give them something to laugh at rather than let them stare at the floor. And I succeeded.

My target audience was pleased with my performance. Who cares what everybody else thinks.

Labels: My Life