I'm tired of being asked, "Where do you go for spiritual guidance? How do you know what to believe? What do you do when you have a problem and need to pray for help?" by people who don't understand what it means to be agnostic. Whenever you say, "I just figure things out myself," they just don't seem to get it. Oh, how could anybody actually come up with their own practical solutions to life's problems without a book or some illogically thinking guru or mythological story to guide them?

I'm tired of trying to explain it, so I'm starting my own congregation, and every time somebody who doesn't understand the concept of thinking for yourself asks me these inane questions, I'm just going to say that I belong to the PHOFQ. (I haven't figured out how to pronounce it yet.)

We'll all wear little question marks on our necklaces and t-shirts that say "What would a-free-thinking-intelligent-person-who-isn't-brainwashed-or-insane do?"

We'll go door to door distributing free copies of "The Origin of Species," telling people to be nice to each other just because it's a nice thing to do and smarter than doing something that will get you shot, and handing out pamphlets titled "I Don't Know" with subheadings like "Maybe, Maybe Not" and "Who Knows."

We'll sing uplifting songs, like the classic "We Wish There Were Psychiatrists in Ancient History" and "Why Would a God Needs an Army?" and the ever popular, "Heaven is a Place on Earth" by Belinda Carlisle.

We'll go on a holy trek once a year to any place of our choice (because if God created the Earth, then every inch of it is holy, even the toilet; I'm making a holy trek to my couch, right now).

We'll be friends with everyone (because if God created people, then every person is a chosen person).

At least once day per week, we'll take a day off (because we're freakin' tired).

Several times per year, we'll celebrate something (because parties are fun and remind us that life is nice; yesterday I celebrated the glory of bean-dip and munster cheese with my children and danced around with my cat).

Now if only I could convince other agnostic persons that sending me mountains of money will make them have better lives.

Labels: Deep Thoughts and Philosophy