Why Are Women Crazy, Difficult, and Complicated?
By Kristen Brooke Beck
Content Updated on May 30, 2007
For some reason I tend to have more male friends than female friends. While this has allowed me to find out what men do when women aren't around (they, for better or worse, typically think of me as one of the guys), it has more importantly allowed me to understand the frustrations my heterosexual male friends have with women. I find myself repeatedly trying to explain the answer to their most common question: "Why are women so crazy?"
(Note to women: Due to popular demand, I'll be working on a "Why Are Men Crazy" article in the near future.)
OK, so Maybe Crazy Isn't the Right Word?
I've had several emails over the years from people who don't like that I use the word crazy. I can understand their concern, so let me explain how this word is used in typical conversations about normal behavior.
I use the word crazy jokingly. Every person, male and female, has quirky little behaviors or sometimes acts irrationally. It's simply a part of human nature. Women are not naturally mentally ill simply because they're women. Men and women are different, though, and sometimes we see each other as crazy when we don't understand why we do what we do. This article is for the men who ask me those "why are women so crazy" questions.
So then what are we're talking about when my friends and I lovingly use the word crazy in reference to common female human behaviors if we aren't talking about mental illness? The men who ask me the "why are women so crazy" question are usually referring to behaviors that many women do (including myself, I ... reluctantly ... admit it). These are behaviors my female friends feel guilty about and behaviors that my male friends frequently complain about. These behaviors include things like crying over little things that shouldn't be important, excessively worrying about how other people feel about them, and getting stressed out by trying to be super-woman. It is important to note, though, that not all women exhibit these behaviors. For example, I know women who never cry (or at least they don't admit that they do) and women who don't seem to worry about anything (I'm jealous). So please, don't assume that I'm suggesting all women are they same. We're not.
What Isn't Normal?
It important to note that there's normal I-had-a-crazy-moment behavior and abnormal mentally-unstable-and-in-need-of-professional-intervention behavior.
For most women I know, normal crazy behavior would be something like crying when thinking about all the stuff she needs to get done or getting frustrated because you didn't call when you said you would. Such things are what this article is all about.
In-need-of-professional-intervention crazy behavior includes things like being manipulative, obsessive, possessive, or abusive. It is never, NEVER, acceptable to manipulate or abuse somebody mentally or physically, whether you're a man or a woman. If you are with a woman who does such things, don't let her just blame it on hormones or give you that "you wouldn't understand because you're a man" excuse. Set healthy boundaries for yourself, and let her know that she needs to seek professional help or else you'll be walking out the door.
Hormones: Sex and Mental Instability
Let's start with biology. Hormones are the basis of moods fluctuation in many women. They can affect everything from hunger and sleep to ambition and mood. If you want to improve your relationship with women, take some time to learn about hormones. Here's a brief overview.
The Menstrual Cycle: An Emotional Adventure Every Month
For women who are still having periods, menstrual cycles mean that we can have a different mood or temperament every week during a predictable cycle: pre-menstrual period (a.k.a. PMS -- pre-menstrual syndrome), during the menstrual period, post-menstrual period, and ovulation. If you kept a log of a woman's behavior, you'll probably see a pattern. For example, most women I know tend to be more sexual, extroverted, and/or uninhibited around ovulation. It's nature's way of making a women want to procreate. And we also tend to get a bit cranky or aggressive during our premenstrual week. There are lots of theories on why this happens, but the one I like most is that it may be the body's way of practicing those protective-mother instincts. Most of our husbands, boyfriends, etc. keep a watchful eye on the calendar because of these fluctuations, and they take the menstrual cycle into consideration when preparing for confrontations or changes in plans. (These are smart men!) If these mood swings seem extreme, you may want to encourage her to seek medical help because there are treatments for such symptoms, and speaking to a counselor or psychologist can also help.
Pregnancy: A Roller Coaster of Drama
Pregnancy is a much more complicated version of the hormone game. During pregnancy, a woman's hormones may turn off her libido and throw her into a state of constant irritation, or they might give her abundant energy and leave her craving sex during every waking moment. She may cry about everything all of the time (I couldn't even watch commercials without shedding a tear), or suddenly find everything very inspiring. It's different for everyone, but eventually it will end.
There's also post-pregnancy to alter moods and behaviors. Many women get protective and defensive soon after having a baby (think mother bear with her cubs). Some women go through postpartum blues or develop postpartum depression or anxiety. It's often not an easy time for men or women, but it is temporary, so stay hopeful.
If you believe that she is having unusual mood swings or any other problems, encourage her to talk to her doctor about it and possibly even speak to a counselor or psychologist to help with cognitive and emotional issues. This is especially important during pregnancy and after childbirth because women have the possibility of developing peripartum and postpartum disorders during these times, and the earlier she gets help, the sooner she can start getting better.
Menopause: The Big Change
Menopause is the end of the reproductive years, and it's accompanied by a huge drop in hormones, like estrogen. It isn't a sudden drop for most people. It often starts with perimenopause, which may last up to ten years prior to actual menopause. This drop in estrogen and other hormones can result in mood swings similar to those with monthly hormone fluctuations without the predictable cycle. Medical intervention can help, so encourage her to see her doctor, and talking to a counselor or psychologist can help her handle the mental side of the change.
Insecurity: Fear of Loss, Fear of Failure, Worry, and Guilt Galore
Many women are insecure about everything. Many of us have a constant underlying worry that the men we love are going to leave us, others are judging us, the bills won't get paid, or we'll screw up our kids. Much or our insecurities come from the way we were raised and programmed by our parents, teachers, peers, and society. Some of it may be just the way that women's brains are wired.
And then there's the guilt. Worry and guilt seem to go hand in hand. We feel guilty for worrying. We feel guilty about the things we're worrying about. We feel guilty after we've dealt with the things we needed to do. And so forth. (My husband is convinced that guilt is the driving force behind women's decisions.)
A quick way for men to deal with insecure women is to listen attentively as she speaks about her concerns and learn a few important phrases, such as, "You're so beautiful," "We'll work this out (or do this) together," and "It is (or will be) all right." The goal isn't to gloss over the issues or brush aside her concerns. The goal is to honestly, sincerely remind her that everything really will turn out OK. Just doing this may help her to relax enough to work through her problem. (It's one of the reasons why women say such things to each other all the time.)
If, however, you believe that her fears, worries, and guilt are excessive, encourage her to see a counselor or psychologist who can help her manage them.
The biggest problem with insecurity is that it leads to over-thinking.
Over-Thinking: But Why? But How? But What If?
When most of the men I know have a problem, they deal with it, wash their hands of it, and only seem to talk about it while making jokes at barbeques. I'm sure cultural ideas of how men need to be strong emotionally has something to do with the low number of men who openly exhibit over-thinking, so I don't want to give the impression that men never over-think.
Women, however, tend to openly over-think everything. When women over-think, they ruminate, sometimes for days (or even years in some situations). They repeatedly judge and analyze their actions as well as the behaviors of others and try to figure out if they are fitting in socially, fulfilling their obligations, or adequately following their dreams. Women will even think about thinking: Why do I think/feel this way, how can I change it, and when will it change?
If you go on a date with a woman, there's a very good chance that she will spend the next week wondering why you wanted to date her, why she wants to date you, how she performed on the date, what she did wrong, what she should do better, and how you responded. And if you don't call the next day, she'll spend at least a few days ruminating about that too.
If you have an argument with a woman, she'll likely ask you hundreds of questions, some of which may not be connected to the current argument, to get to the root of the problem, so she can fix it.
Over-thinking all comes down to two basic questions: Am I all right, and how can I be better?
There may be an evolutionary component to this strange psychological practice. Women have long been tasked with holding the community together while men went out to hunt, work, etc. A strong, protective community was essential for successfully raising children, especially when wild animals lurked about in the jungle or when disaster struck. So women needed to be concerned about how everyone felt and how everything operated, and each woman needed to do her part to ensure all the pieces of the social puzzle stayed in place. Now, when anything seems out of place, we continue to ask ourselves, what have I done, or not done, to contribute to the problem, and what should I do better? If this hypothesis is correct, then this may be a matter of cultural evolution rather than a matter of biological evolution. It would be interesting to see if women over-think less in cultures in which women aren't the primary caretakers.
The problem with over-thinking is that it causes anxiety, which can lead to desperate behaviors, pessimism, frequent mind-changing, and depression, and those things can lead to in-need-of-professional-intervention behaviors. So make an effort to stop the complications before they start and practice those wonderful phrases: "You're so beautiful." "We'll work this out (or do this) together." And, "It is (or will be) all right." (And mean it when you say it.) If, however, you believe that her over-thinking is excessive, encourage her to see a counselor or psychologist who can help her manage it.
Remember...
- Not all women are crazy (i.e. over emotional, over-thinkers, etc.).
- Not all men are logical. (You often drive women to frustration too.)
- If we focus more on learning how men and women think and act differently, we can use those differences to work together better, rather than fighting and judging each other.
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