Shacking-Up: Living Together Before Marriage
Updated on February 9, 2009
I am often asked to voice my opinion in the "should we live together before we get married" debate. Sometimes this is because somebody I know is considering moving in with their mate. Other times it's because people disapprove of how my husband and I lived together before we got married. In any case, here is my opinion.
Note: I know there are religions that teach that it is wrong to have sex or live together before you're married, but I don't subscribe to those religions, so you won't find religion in my logic.
Should I Move In With My Boyfriend/Girlfriend?
It depends on you.
I personally love the idea of moving in with somebody before marriage. I wish more people would do it. Maybe then we wouldn't have so many people fantasizing about what it's like to be married then entering into unhealthy marriages because they didn't know what they were getting into. Maybe then there wouldn't be so many people getting stuck in marriages they don't want to be in because they're concerned about the financial risks of getting divorced (a scenario I hear about far too often from too many people).
Warning! Before We Get Started, There Are Exceptions. Some People Shouldn't Shack Up
If you have children who live with you, moving in with somebody should NOT be taken lightly. If you have kids in your home, don't move in with somebody unless...
- You've known your mate for at least two years.
- You've been in a romantic relationships with your mate for at least one year.
- Your relationship is already very stable. (No "Hey, moving in together will fix our relationship problems" scenarios.)
- You and your mate have similar goals and values.
- You and your mate both feel strongly that this is a relationship that will last a long time.
- Your kids and your mate already have a good friendship (not a step-parent/step-child relationship) and respect each other.
- Your mate loves kids and understands that the welfare of the children is always going to be the primary focus.
- Your mate already is or seems like he/she would be a good parent.
- Your mate wants to be a step-parent for your child.
- You talk to a marriage and family counselor (or somebody else with expertise in the psychology of marriage and family relationships) about how to make the transition so that it serves the best interest of the children.
What if it doesn't work out? Well, there is a chance that if this person has shown respect toward your children and has acted as a good step-parent, then your children will probably become attached to this person. You cannot just toy with your children's emotions by having parent-figures moving in and out of your child's daily life. It will emotionally scar your children! If your mate seems like an unsafe person for your child to be around or is a bad influence, certainly you wouldn't want to continue letting your child be exposed to this person. However, if your mate and your children have grown close, you may want to consider letting them to continue to have a friendship. Talk to a counselor to determine if this will work for you and how to do it.
If you aren't completely certain that this person is the one or that this situation isn't going to be good for your children, then don't shack up until the kids have grown up and moved out of the house. You're children will thank you.
Damaged Goods: The History of the No Living Together Before Marriage Rules
In the past, women were property. In some cultures, women's families paid money, goods, or services to a man's family to marry her off, get her out of the home, take the burden of having her away, and rid the family of the shame of having a daughter who wasn't married. In other cultures, the man paid money, goods, or services to the women's family to purchase her.
Since women were basically bought and sold, they needed to be marketable. "This gal is pristine, pretty, and an excellent housekeeper and mother. Plus, she'll please you sexually."
Would you buy damaged goods when you could have the best? Of course not, so lots of effort was taken to keep women from becoming damaged goods.
A woman was damaged goods if she had sex with another man. Men wanted virgins. A man wanted to know that he would be the best sex she ever had because he was the only sex she ever had. He wanted to be completely certain that if she had a baby, it was his. To ensure that a woman did not become damaged goods, she was forbidden to have sex with anyone but her husband. (Of course, if men are allowed to have sex before marriage, they must be having sex with somebody, probably unmarried women, so men were forbidden to have sex before marriage as well.)
If a man and woman were living together prior to marriage, then the man was getting the benefits of having a wife (including the sex) without having a pay for her (if that's what the culture required) or making a commitment. This would result in damaging the goods, making it harder to place a woman with a future husband if the man decided to break off the relationship.
Well, it's now the 21st century, and women are no longer property (at least in my neighborhood, and they shouldn't be in other neighborhoods either). I can't be damaged goods because I'm not goods. I'm a person, not something to trade and bargain for.
Dating = Marketing: Advertising Your Relationship Skills
Living with somebody is a completely different experience than dating. When you're on a date, you don't look like you just got out of bed, you aren't snapping at your partner because you haven't had your morning cup of coffee, you don't have to maintain the bills and household paperwork, and you don't have the stress of knowing that you can't decorate your home the way you want to because your partner doesn't like it. When you're on a date, you don't have to deal with your partner's bodily functions, and you certainly don't display your own. Even is you spend the night with each other, you're only seeing the host and guest behaviors. One person is the host and the other person is a guest, and odds are that you are playing your rolls politely.
When you don't live together, all you're getting is the marketing, the commercials, the advertisements, and all of them say the same thing, "I'm a good catch."
The Test Drive
You wouldn't buy a car without test driving it. Would you? Of course not. It's a big commitment, costs a lot of money, and you'll be stuck with the car for several years. So why wouldn't we test drive an even bigger commitment?
When you live with somebody, you get to test drive the real deal. You get to see what you'll be waking up to every day and what you'll be going to sleep next to each night. You get to see what that perfect partner does during his/her free time, and it may be something you can't stand. You get to live with all of those annoying collections you can't stand, and you'll have to look at them every day. You'll get firsthand knowledge of his/her cleaning skills (and too clean or too sloppy are both bad for relationships). You'll get to eat each other's cooking skills. You'll have to put up with each other's habits, no matter how annoying they are. Suddenly, this perfect partner starts developing some flaws.
Some flaws you can live with. Some flaws drive you crazy, so you both compromise to find a middle ground you both can live with. Some flaws are just deal-breakers, and you'll be happy to know that you found out about them before you tied the knot and have to go through an expensive divorce process and legal stuff.
I have no problem letting my partner test drive my wife skills prior to marriage because I'm using that same time to test drive his husband skills. Besides, I don't want to be with a man who doesn't like my wife skills, so it's better to end the relationship before I become his wife. I'll be happier, and he'll be happier. It's an equal win-win opportunity for everyone.
Just make sure that you live together for at least one year before you decide to sign the contract. That will probably give you enough time to decide if it has a chance of working out.
Closing the Deal
You've lived together for at least one year, so when do you decide to sign that marriage contract? That depends.
Commitment with Paperwork
Some people know right away that they're ready to sign on the dotted line. Great! If both of you feel the same way, do it.
Some people want to keep test driving until they feel ready. That's fine too. Just make sure that both of you understand that you can't test drive forever. Eventually, one of you will get tired of waiting for that commitment and move on to somebody else. If partner A is ready, but partner B isn't, partner A gets to decide how long he/she is willing to wait for partner B to make up his/her mind. If possible, partner A needs to tell partner B how long he/she will be willing to wait, and if partner B doesn't make the decision by the deadline, partner A gets to move on guilt-free
Commitment without Paperwork
Some people love living together, want the commitment, but don't want to sign a marriage contract. That's great too! It is completely possible to make a lifetime commitment to each other without having the government or religious organization get involved.
If you don't include religious beliefs, then the only difference between being committed to each and having an official marriage is the piece of paper and the legal system. You will need to make sure that you draw up various legal documents (such as wills, trusts, advanced healthcare directives, power of attorney, and so forth) to ensure that you have the rights that a legal spouse would have, and you need to do some homework to find out how things like work benefits will work for you. You won't have the advantage of getting social security survivor benefits, pension survivor benefits, and so forth, so you'll need to make sure that you both have adequate life insurance to protect your partner. I highly recommend doing some sort of ceremony to mark your commitment and to let all of your family and friends know that you are now the equivalent of a married couple (it helps other people understand how they should respond to your relationship and it's a very special day for both of you as well). You can have a wedding without the paperwork or just have a party.
But...Sanctity of Marriage...Sanctity of Marriage...
The sanctity of marriage is not defined by what happened before or after the marriage because in both pre and post marriage, the marriage doesn't exist. It is either a dream or a memory. The sanctity of marriage is defined by what happens during the marriage by the people who are married in the marriage itself (not people in other marriages).
If you believe that having sex before marriage ruins your marriage, then don't have sex before you get married and don't marry somebody who has already had sex because that would destroy the sanctity of your marriage for you.
If you believe that only heterosexuals should be married, then don't marry somebody of the same sex as yours because that would destroy the sanctity of your marriage for you.
If you believe that a marriage should only have two people in it, then you and your wife/husband shouldn't invite a third person into your marriage because that would destroy the sanctity of your marriage for you.
And if you believe that living together before marriage ruins your marriage, then don't live with your mate before you get married because that would destroy the sanctity of your marriage for you.
As long as you aren't marrying a child (anyone under the age of 18) and aren't a child yourself, then you get to define what makes your marriage sacred. Don't let other people define it for you. (But likewise, don't try to tell other people whether or not their marriage or commitment is sacred or valid because it doesn't agree with your rules. If you're not in the marriage, it's really none of your business.)
I don't feel that my marriage lacks any sacred qualities because I lived with my husband before marriage. In fact, I think living together strengthened the sacred nature of our commitment. We know for certain that we want to be together because we lived together for five years before we got married. We had seen the best and worst in each of us, went through easy and tough times, and watched each other grow and change, and after all of that, we still wanted to be together. We wanted to continue watching each other grow and change. We wanted to continue to work together to overcome obstacles. And despite all of our faults, we wanted to spend as much time as possible with each other. To me, that makes our marriage even more sacred.
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