Young Love Moving-In: Question for Kristen
Updated July 28, 2007
Jason and I have been in a relationship now for over a year (close to 14 months). We're very much in love, and we've discussed moving in together more than a few times. We're both 19-year-old college students, both have no siblings, and both come from single-parent homes. My mother and I have always had a fairly strong relationship; our family is devoutly Catholic, and so is she. Although I was raised to share the same values she has, Jason and I have put a lot of thought into moving in together, and are currently trying to rent a townhouse. His mother was okay with the idea, but when I told my mother, she said I would be a shame on her family and no better than a whore if I moved in with my boyfriend without getting married. I told her we had already discussed it, and that she should allow me to make my own choices, but she ultimately said she does not approve of this decision, would no longer give me any financial help (which is occasional spending money since I am fully on financial aid from school), and hung up the phone. I cried for hours afterwards, and when I told Jason, he said I should do what makes me feel the most comfortable. I really want to move in with him next year, but I also don't want to lose my relationship with my mother. Please help me, Kristen; what should I do?
--Mandy
Mandy,
First of all, the harsh stuff. Your mother is holding money over your head to control you because you keep relying on it. If you are at least 18 but not adult enough to make your own money and support yourself, then you aren't adult enough to make your own decisions, especially big decisions, without having to get approval. Go to school full time, work park time, and use all the financial aid and student loans you can get (the interest on student loans is tax deductible anyhow, and most student loans don't need to be paid back until you are finished with college), and avoid using credit cards (they're a trap, but you can have one for emergencies). Don't ask your family for a penny, even if you have to live off of noodles and peanut butter. If you want it, you need to earn it, and don't you dare even think of saying "Mom, can you give me a loan?" This is the first step to adulthood.
Now, I must say, I am definitely a fan of the try-before-you-buy method of moving-in together prior to marriage (See Shacking-Up: Living Together Before Marriage), so you won't get any arguments about "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" from me. However, you are 19-years-old, so there are some other things to consider.
From 18 to 25 years old, you are in a transition period from being a kid in your parent's home to being an adult on your own. The problem is that your brain doesn't fully mature until you are somewhere between 21 and 25 years old (that's why you aren't legally allowed to drink alcohol until you are 21). So while you feel like 100% adult, you're really only 90% adult. As a result, we tend to jump into things because we feel like we know exactly what we want and how to get it, but we're still plagued by the "it can't happen to me" adolescent mindset, so we end up making big mistakes. Trust me. Go find a bunch of people who are at least 30 years old and ask them if they made any big stupid mistakes between the ages 17 and 25. You'll probably get a lot of "Oh, sit down for this one. I got a story for you."
Right now, at this stage in your life, one of the best things you can do is live on your own or with a bunch of roommates. I can't stress enough that you need to spend time getting to know yourself and developing the confidence that you can survive without somebody supporting you before you get into a move-in relationship. It makes a huge difference in how you will handle the relationship once you move-in together. I highly suggest living on your own or with roommates for a minimum of 1 year but preferably at least 2 years before you move-in with a boyfriend/girlfriend. After that, you can move-in together with confidence that if it doesn't work out, you won't have to go running back to your parents, who are just going to say "I told you so" because you know you can stand on your own.
Words of caution: Make sure, double sure, triple sure, that you use at least 2, and I mean AT LEAST 2, forms of birth control at the same time, such as condom and birth control pills, until you are ready to have children. Until you make the big commitment, always, always, ALWAYS use a condom, no excuses. The last thing you want right now is to get pregnant (or a disease) when you aren't ready for it.
With regards to how your mother and/or your family is dealing with your choice of lifestyle, it's not your problem. A part of growing up is taking responsibility and control for your own life. This doesn't mean that you rebel for the sake of rebelling. It means that you do what is best for you based on careful decision making skills. You can consider her opinion without having to do exactly what she tells you to do. We all want to make our parents proud, but you cannot spend your entire life neglecting what you want because it doesn't match what your mother wants. You'll just end up resenting her and living with regret. If you were gay, changed your religion, decided to become a musician instead of a doctor, etc. it would be her job to accept it, not your job to try to make her feel happy about it. If she rejects you because of it, you can keep the communication lines open, send cards and gifts, and tell her how much you love her (even if she refuses to speak to you), but it is up to her to overcome her own beliefs and continue her half of the relationship with you.
...by Feed