My Shoulds (Written 2004)
Updated on November 24, 2007
My shoulds are things I think I should do or not do. They are things I think I should be. I compiled this list while I was in psychotherapy. Now, 2 years later, I can't believe I ever thought about things this way. I'm still a perfectionist, but I'm must more realistic and I focus on what I would like to do rather than what I should do.
The Problems with My Shoulds
Most shoulds are unrealistic. They aren't possible to fulfill, so I end up feeling like a failure all of the time.
Some shoulds don't even reflect what I intellectually believe
My shoulds are in conflict. My conscious mind says things like "you shouldn't focus on vanity" while my subconscious mind says "you should always look attractive." These things oppose each other, so I feel guilty no matter what I do.
If I don't do my shoulds...
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I'll be a failure
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I'll be worthless
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People won't like me
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People will talk about me
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I'll lose the people I love
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I'll lose all of the things I'm proud of
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People will know I'm a fraud
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I'll screw up my kids
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I'll hurt other people's feelings
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I'll have to do things over again or backtrack to fix errors which requires more work
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My loved ones will suffer (e.g. pain, hunger, injury, frustration, inconvenience, death)
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Others who follow my advice may suffer because I was wrong
I think I should...
(what a long list, so wonder I had so much anxiety and stress)
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be perfect (However, I don't believe that it is possible to be perfect, so I don't expect to be perfect, and I don't want to try to be perfect because it is stupid to try to do something that is impossible. Nevertheless, I believe that I should be perfect and not trying to be perfect is the perfect thing to do, so in not trying I am still trying.)
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not make mistakes
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always know the answers
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always be able to get the answers
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always be right
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always solve every problem
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always avoid problems
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be able to foresee problems
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be prepared for every problem
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know more than other people
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be efficient
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be organized
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get everything on my to-do list done
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get everything done on schedule
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always meet deadlines
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know everything about current events
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know everything about history, religion, science, child development, parenting, sex, preparation, safety, any project, self-improvement, teaching, education
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be the perfect wife
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never get mad at my husband
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always feel attracted to him
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always satisfy him sexually
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always know when to be affection and when to give him his space
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always communicate with him about everything
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not hurt his feelings
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always look attractive for him
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never make him feel overwhelmed
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always make him feel loved and appreciated
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always have a clean house
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always provide home-cooked meals
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always have the kids under control
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never yell
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never throw a tantrum
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never use physical expressions of anger
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be a perfect mom
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never put my wants or needs in front of my kids
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always keep my kids safe
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always provide stimulating learning opportunities
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make my kids always feel loved
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always focus on improving my kids' self-esteem
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give my kids lots of happy memories
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keep my kids from pain
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help my kids communicate better
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help my kids develop at the average or above rate
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protect my kids from things that scare them
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keep my kids free from frustration
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help my kids become happy healthy adults
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have the love and respect of my children
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always respect my children
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be admired by my kids
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be a perfect role model for my kids
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be a perfect daughter
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help my parents financially
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help my parents educate themselves
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protect my parents from being taken advantage of
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make my parents feel appreciated
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care for my parents' health
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ensure my parents have a clean home
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keep my parents from financial ruin
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buy my parents gifts
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help my parents better themselves
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be a friendly sister
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be supportive emotionally to my siblings
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help my siblings better themselves
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keep my siblings from financial ruin
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give friends lots of attention
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give friends gifts
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frequently think of others
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be comedic and entertaining
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be a source of advice
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give emotional support
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give friends my free time
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pay for others' meals even if I can't afford it
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donate money to anyone in need
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give food to the hungry
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help others better themselves
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be a teacher's favorite student
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be memorable
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be a big sister / mother figure to my students
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be clients' favorite business person
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make people proud of me
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impress people with my diligence, intelligence, and creativity
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have an attractive home inside and out
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be attractive
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be healthy
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be fit
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effortlessly run a mile
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have a perfectly maintained home
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have lots of funds
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attend social events
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be physically active in recreation
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be rugged
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be strong physically, mentally, and emotionally
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be skilled in all domestic arts
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impress bosses
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be in charge
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be liked by all co-workers
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be able to be assertive in professional situations
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never be afraid to ask for or suggest anything
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always be 100% reliable
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have achieved many great things that have earned recognition, awards, and admiration of others
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always accomplish goals
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always finish what I start
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always help my family
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always be working toward something
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be an excellent artist of all arts, enough to inspire envy
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always get A's when in school
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always have amazing projects
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be emotionally stable
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be sexually creative and appealing
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volunteer in my community
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be politically active
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be a spiritual leader
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feel spiritual all the time
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be able to invoke powerful energies to help the world and people
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be part of a spiritual community
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earn at least as much money as my husband
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earn enough money to support my family
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be able to buy what I want when I want it
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be conservative when shopping and always use a list
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have enough money saved to support my family forever
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have more than enough insurance for all situations
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be able to afford luxuries
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always stick to a budget
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make lots of money by writing books
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be a teacher as soon as my kids are in school
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be somewhat famous
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always look like I'm dressed and groomed for a special event
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look lean and healthy and fit
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have excellent fashion sense
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never smoke or breathe secondhand smoke or use any other tobacco product
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rarely drink
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never use drugs
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never have to take prescription drugs
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always eat well, exercise, and avoid anything that might be toxic to protect and improve my health
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eat only when I'm really hungry
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eat for nutrition, not for enjoyment
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enjoy every bite
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be able to cook delicious gourmet health meals without mistakes
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always communicate what I feel without actually expressing the emotion unless it's a happy emotion
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never get angry
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never feel afraid of trying things within reason
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only feel sad for a short while then get happy again
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not whine about physical pain unless it's enough to require hospitalization
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always be joyful
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not act too happy around my family or anyone who isn't already happy
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not be sexually inhibited with my husband
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never embarrass myself
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always let people know that I love them
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