The Truth About Postpartum Life
Page Updated on November 24, 2007
So you had the kid, now what?
I know you have fantasies about what being a parent is like. I know you have ideas about what parenthood is SUPPOSED to be like. Unfortunately, that's not reality, and if you get caught up in those realities, you'll be left with disappointment, which leads to guilt, resentment, and sorrow. It will turn into quite a struggle. So here's the real story...
It's not what you expected. Perhaps your birth experience wasn't what you had pictured. Maybe your baby was sick. Perhaps you expected to breastfeed and suddenly discovered that you couldn't. Perhaps your spouse wasn't there physically or emotionally to support you. (I could go on and on.) I guarantee you that there will indeed be at least one thing (probably many things) that aren't going to go like you hoped or expected. This is not a movie, a sitcom, or a commercial for diapers or baby soap. You will not be happy every moment, basking in the joy of parenthood. There will be times (sometimes extended periods of time...like days or weeks) when you are stressed out, overwhelmed, confused, or angry. There will be times when you want your precious new baby to "please just stop crying," and you'll feel resentful. You will be disappointed with at least some aspects of your new life. Sometimes, you may even secretly feel like deciding to become a parent was a big mistake. Let yourself grieve over the loss of your fantasy. Feel sorry for yourself for awhile. Cry, complain, let it out, but don't forget to let go and appreciate the positive (yes, there is a positive side to all of this...a big one!). This can be difficult, but you'll get there.
Immediately After Delivery
- It's bonding time! Your job right now is to get to know your baby. Hold your baby as much as possible. Babies need to be touched. They need to be cuddled. It's actually necessary for their survival (babies who aren't touched fail to thrive and sometimes even die). Talk to your baby. "Ooooo" and "ahhhhh" over your baby. Just stare at your baby for hours. Notice all of his/her little movements, those tiny little body parts, that baby smell, everything. If you aren't having those "bonding feelings" or don't want to do this, do this anyway because your baby will feel the bonding, and that's the most important thing right now. Try to let go of your worries, give up your modesty, and just let yourself be surrounded by baby love. He/she really does love you even if he/she can't show or tell you.
- Let yourself be babied. Accept any pampering that you can get. People want to help you feel comfortable (it makes them feel like part of the birth process too), so let them help. You need the help. Stop trying to be I-can-do-anything woman and accept that you need help. If you are in a hospital, accept the help of the hospital staff. You may need them to help you do some rather personal things (like being your toilet assistant), so let go of the ego and embarrassment (they do it every day, and you don't have anything new they haven't seen before). Let them bring you your food. Let them fluff your pillows. Whatever help they offer, take it, and don't be afraid to ask for additional help if you need it or simply just want it. That's their job.
- Let baby take the lead. Ignore the clock, the calendar, your mother-in-law, your mom, and "experts." Let your baby tell you when to feed her, rock her, change her, etc. At first, everything sounds like "waaaaahhhhh!" but you'll eventually learn your baby's subtle variations of crying and what each variation means. You'll learn to notice your baby's body language (she sucks her hand when she's hungry, or he sticks his tongue out like a lizard when it's feeding time). The more time you spend with baby, the more you'll learn your baby's cues and the sooner you will be able to meet his/her needs and reduce the crying. Ok, so you can't completely ignore the clock. If you notice that your baby isn't wanting to eat at least every 4 hours, you'll want to take the initiative and try to feed him/her without the cues every 3 hours (even wake him/her up if necessary). You also need to check your baby's diaper every hour to avoid rashes. If your baby is on any medication, you'll need to set a timer for that too. Those should be the only things you'll need to watch the clock for.
- Sleep...zzzzz. Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to sleep? This kid is up every hour. Babies can't tell time, so sleep deprivation is the first big problem you get to learn to deal with (unless, of course you have more serious issues to worry about). Sleep deprivation is agony at first, but you get used to it. I'm serious; your body will adapt. Caffeine can help, but it can also keep your baby up (and irritable) if you breastfeed, and that will just make things worse for you. Focus on trying to grab sleep whenever you can, no matter what time it is.
First Days Home
- Set up baby in your bedroom. So many people decorate their babies nurseries only to discover that their little ones won't be sleeping in it for awhile. Trust me (and many other mothers all over the world), keep your baby near you when you sleep. I know you love your adult bedroom, but let's face it, it's going to be a nursery for several months (maybe even a couple years). Anyone who protests can find some other place to sleep. Having the baby sleep in your room makes getting up to feed baby easier and faster, which means you will be able to fall asleep faster, which means you will end up getting more sleep. You may even want to sleep with baby in your bed (called co-sleeping) to make breastfeeding even easier (just be sure to take safety precautions to protect your baby from pillows, thick comforters, getting caught between the bed and the wall or headboard/footboard, and falling off or getting rolled onto).
- Use your answering machine. You'll probably be too exhausted to talk to everyone who wants to congratulate you after you have a new baby. Put the details of your announcement (sex, name, birth weight, length, ...) on your answering machine greeting and encourage everyone to leave a message because you won't be answering your phone for several weeks.
- Keep a pair of easy slip on shoes next to the door. You never know when you'll need to run outside for one reason or another. Chances are you'll have a baby in your arms and won't be able to sit down to put on your shoes, or perhaps you won't even have a hand free to slip them one while standing up. Make sure you have a pair of shoes you can slip on without having to use your hands at all.
- Create an emergency baby supply station in the room you are in most of the time. For most people, this would be in the living room or family room. Find yourself a decorative bag, box, or other container that you can throw burp clothes, pacifiers, favorite toys, and other necessities into, so you don't have to run around the house wasting valuable seconds. Trust me, you'll thank yourself for having this emergency stash.
- Always have a supply of energy or meal replacement bars or shakes available. You may not get to eat as often as you want or need to, so having these on hand will ensure that you get some nourishment even when you don't have time to sit down for a meal.
- Keep a safe, entertaining spot for baby in every room (including the bathroom). In our home, there's a bouncer in the bathroom, a play pillow in the living room, the crib in the bedroom, and so forth. This way, if I have to put the little one down for a moment, she'll have a safe place to sit and something to keep her busy.
- Avoid clothing that shows stains. This is way so many moms wear shirts with patterns and dark colors, and don't even think about wearing something that needs to be dry cleaned or silk. At first you may change your shirt or pants every time a drop of spit up (or whatever else end up on it) lands on you, but it won't be long before you realize that it's a losing battle, and eventually you won't have anything left to change into except the outfit you wore to prom. If you plan your outfits wisely, you'll be able to just wipe off the mess and go on with your day, and nobody will know it was ever there.
- Cover your furniture with slip covers you can easily wash. Okay, so if you can't afford such luxuries, at least get yourself a nice blanket or sheets to do the job. It will catch a variety of messes, saving you from having to scrub the couch, and you can just pull it off before unexpected guests come through the front door, so they'll think your place looks fashionably decorated all the time.
- Ask for help. No excuses. Do not hesitate to ask for help. You may need help getting up and down, taking care of the baby, taking care of the house, getting food, cleaning, taking care of your other children, etc. I know you are a strong person and you don't want to be a burden, but you really do need help no matter how much you resist. We all need help when we have children. I said WE ALL NEED HELP WHEN WE HAVE CHILDREN! Stop trying to lie to yourself and pretend that you don't. Always ask your partner to get in on the action when they need to step in. It will eventually become habitual for them, and they'll do the tasks without needing to be asked. If you need to ask for help outside of your home, I highly recommend starting with asking for help from other parents. They understand what you're going through. They realize how difficult it is for you, how stressful it is to have a baby, how tired you are, and they won't think of it as a burden at all to help you. That isn't to say that your non-parent friends won't be helpful, but you'll have to judge how empathetic each one will be to the situation. Professional services are also an option, but you need to be very, very, very, very picky about who you hire.
- Your Parenting Mission: Take Time Off I'm not just talking about taking time off from your place of employment. I mean, put on your sweats, get out the microwave dinners and your favorite cereals, keep the pizza delivery phone number and a supply of cash ready, fill up your sports bottles with juice, ignore the messy house, and relax with your new baby in any way you wish. Sit in front of the TV, listen to music, just make sure that whatever you do involves relaxation and holding your baby. (Don't just leave the kid in the crib all day.) It's not a vacation or indulgence; it's your job now as a parent to spend this time focusing completely on your children (all of them). Take your relaxation seriously. It's more important than you can imagine. If somebody gives you a hard time for being lazy, remind yourself that they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. Tell them that their comment has been noted and filed away in your mental filing cabinet, but you have wisely decided to devote yourself to recovery and getting to know your new family member face to face. Everything else will still be there waiting for you when you're ready to get off the couch, but the time you should devote to your baby during your first days home will never happen again.
- Keep bonding. Continue appreciating your child. Write in baby journals. Take photographs and videos (the more the better because you'll look back on all of them and gush with joy even if you don't feel that way now). Send out birth announcements. Talk on the phone to brag about your new baby. Gaze into your baby's eyes for hours. Share the baby with family and friends. Siblings especially need to spend time appreciating their new little brother or sister as well. Talk to them about how important they will be in the baby's life. Being a big brother/sister is a big job, but you know they can do it.
- Make sure you get some time alone. Take a hot bath, spend some time reading your favorite books alone in your room, do whatever you want without anyone else around to bother you. Becoming a parent means that you now must spend most of your time with another person, a very helpless little person who needs a lot of attention. In all of the care-taking, it's easy to lose yourself or feel overwhelmed by the lack of me-space. Make sure you get AT LEAST ONE HOUR PER DAY of personal time. You may not be able to get an entire 60 minutes back to back, especially if you are breastfeeding, but try to get as much as possible. Make sure that the rest of your household knows that you are not to be disturbed. Sometimes they may assume that you need attention rather than solitude in an attempt to help you, but make yourself clear that you want to be alone for awhile.
- Forgive yourself. You WILL get cranky. You WILL have those "what does he/she want now" feelings when your baby cries sometimes. You WILL makes mistakes ("I thought she was hungry, so I kept trying to feed her, but she was actually uncomfortable because she had a painful rash, and I didn't fix it..."). You'll probably feel guilty, naturally, but go easy on yourself. This happens to everyone. Babies are going through a learning process, learning how to breath, how to eat, how to poop, how to ask for what they want, etc. Your baby will make mistakes (and they never grow out of the making-mistakes phase). Likewise, you are going through a learning process, learning how to respond to cues, babyproof your home, juggle all of your emotions and obligations, etc. Becoming a parent is not an instinct, it's a learning process based on trial and error, so you're going to have to make some errors.
- Keep the baby books handy.
It can be very helpful to have a book or two around to help answer some common questions. Of course, you can always look it up on the Internet, but having a book is more portable for most people and doesn't rely on electricity (because it's going to be during a power outage when you really need the answers fast).
The Baby Book by Dr. Sears is a must have book for new parents.
First Weeks of Parenthood
- Buy speaker phones and cordless phones with headsets. Anything that allows you mobility is good because you will quickly get frustrated if you expect to sit and relax in one location for any length of time.
- Keep your baby's diaper bag packed and ready to go at all times. Use a checklist to make sure you have everything you need in it.
- Keep a backpack (or backpacks) filled with everything you need during an outing for your older children ready to go as well. Just because they're not babies doesn't mean that you don't have to carry around stuff for them too. Make sure you have snacks, personal items, toys to relieve boredom, and anything else your older children may need. It will make outings much easier.
- Keep your own bag ready to go at all times. Most parents end up just shoving their things into the diaper bag, and that's fine (in fact I recommend it because the fewer bags the better), but if you have a separate bag for all of your own needs, make sure it's always ready.
- Add one hour to your preparation time before you leave the house. So pre-kids you could get yourself fully groomed, equipped, and ready to go within thirty minutes. Now add an hour to that. Sure, if you sit down and think about how long it takes to change a diaper, give a feeding, and get the kid dressed, it really shouldn't take an hour, but in the real world it will because something will always be missing, a diaper will leak, a clean shirt will be thrown up on, and so forth. With practice you'll be able to get going faster, but for now, add that hour.
- Stress!!!!!!! This is a good time to start thinking about how you can reduce the stress in your life. True, you should have done this before you had the baby, but let's be honest, we are each convinced that we can keep up until the baby actually shows up and we discover how much work a baby requires. Sit down and make chore charts with your partner (and other children). Hire a trusted neighborhood teenager to help clean your house or watch your other children (even if it is only for a couple hours per week to give you just enough time to take a nap). Give yourself some slack. Stop being a perfectionist. Avoid anyone who makes you feel even more stressed out; no matter how much you love them, you need to devote your energy to your baby and stress steals that energy from you.
- Seek out other moms. Join a mommy group or a support group. I know you might want to curl up in your house and avoid social contact, but it is so important to have a connection with other mom face-to-face (no, Internet groups don't count). You need to get out and connect with the motherhood community even if it's only once a week. Share with them, vent to them, and learn from them. It will be most beneficial to be around mothers who have children similar in age to your own, especially your newborn.
- Slowly start to incorporate hobbies back into your life. No, you won't be able to sit down for hours and work on a project from start to finish. No, it probably won't be your best work. However, you can start to break things down into small tasks and slowly make progress. Maybe you can't get your entire scrapbook done, but you can trim one picture. Maybe you can't plant your entire garden, but you can pull out a square foot of weeds or prepare a small section for planting. Feel free to slow down weekend projects into month or year long projects. If you don't start doing things you enjoy, you can lose yourself in motherhood and lose your sense of identity. You may start to wonder, "What about my dreams? What about my list of things that I want to do?" Doing things you enjoy helps you to remember that you are still yourself, and there's more to life than diapers. As your child grows older, you'll have more and more free time to devote to projects, and that time comes too quickly, so until then, take a breath and enjoy your children and use your projects as mini-vacations from parenthood.
- Pay attention to your nutrition. You need to start focusing on how you eat (and make sure you take those vitamins). Eat healthy foods to help your body heal. Your body has gone through a lot. It's time to give it some TLC and that starts with good food. Nutrition is also important because it helps influence your moods and energy level, and you definitely need good spirits, humor, and energy in this new job.
- Pamper yourself. Bubble baths, spas, massage, pedicures, manicures, etc. are excellent ways to feel good after your body has gone through so much and was (or is) in so much pain, and also help to give your body the TLC it needs. It's time to get girly.
First Months
- What happened to the marriage? Becoming a parent changes everything, even your marriage. You may find yourselves becoming annoyed with each other. Your sex drive may disappear. You may just be too exhausted or too kid focused to give anything to your partner. Start small. Cuddle. Curl up together with a movie and some popcorn. Have a trusted friend or relative watch your baby and other children while you spend some time alone together (even if it's just 30 minutes). Don't push sex. It will happen in it's own time. Until then, let the partner with the libido find other ways of being sexually fulfilled (such as pornography or sex toys...no adultery please). You may want to try taking Vitamin E to help boost libido. Stock up on lubrication (you'll need it if you want to have intercourse). Don't forget, intimacy means more than sex. Let yourself fall in love again. Things usually change for the better in the long run.
- Exercise. Bah humbug. So now is the perfect time to start exercising, but if you don't want to do it yet, don't stress about it. I do recommend starting to exercise when your baby turns one-year-old, though (your body will be mostly back to normal and you'll have more time as baby plays by him/herself), but you certainly have time to be a couch potato until then. Just try to go for a walk at least once a week (every day is better) and stretch those muscles. Yoga is excellent. You can do it at home, at a gym or yoga center, or at a mommy-and-baby yoga class. It really rejuvenates you. Of course, if you feel like throwing yourself into an exercise routine, go for it. One word of caution, start slowly and be gentle with those abdominal muscles for the first month or so of your new exercise program.
- Will I ever have free time again? The amount of time that is required to take care of a child will make even the toughest workaholics wonder when they can take a break. You need to find a way to make free time for yourself. Maybe you can hire a baby sitter, let the grandparents watch the kids, take turns with your partner, etc. Ignore the dishes and the bills (that doesn't give you permission to have a shopping spree). Just say no to your to-do list, and make time to do whatever you want to do, no matter how productive or "a waste of time" it is. This is your time.
- My house is a mess. And, it will be a mess until your baby (and other children of course) is (are) old enough to learn how to pick up after him/herself. Not only should you accept it, you should be proud of it. You should be proud that you place an emphasis on your children, your marriage, and your own well being rather than worry about having a model home. You should be proud that family is more important to you than aesthetics. Your messy house is an environmental trophy, a visible award of recognition, an award that says, "Congratulations! You're a better mother than housekeeper. Keep up the good work. Your priorities are in the right place." As long as your home isn't condemned by the health department and your baby has quarantined baby-safe areas to play, you're doing fine.
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