Teach Your Children to Say No
Updated November 24, 2007
We sometimes spend so much time trying to train our children to be obedient that we forget that we need to teach them how to say no.
Give Opportunities to Say "No"
Give your child options that include no. "Do you want to go to the grocery store?" "Do you want a baked potato?" "Do you need to go to the bathroom?"
Giving your child the opportunity to say "no" gives them opportunities to think about what they actually want and teaches them that their wants are important.
Talk to Your Children and Really Listen
When your kids feel like they can talk to you about anything, they're more likely to tell you about things, and they'll be more likely to listen to you. This means they'll be more likely to follow your directions, such as "don't drink," "don't smoke," "don't ever go with a stranger or get close enough for a stranger to grab you," and "don't have sex until you're older, and then when you do have sex, always use a condom."
Listen to them, respect their opinions and feelings, don't judge or criticize (instead, think of their faults as your failures to teach), and show that you're interested by asking questions and remembering details.
Role Play
It may feel silly, but it can be fun and educational to play make-believe. This helps kids think about ways they can say no in various situations. Really get into your character and be pushy, and be sure to play a variety of difficult situations, like drinking, smoking, unwanted sexual advances, strangers, being asked to do something that doesn't seem right, etc.
"Do you want a beer?"
"No. Thank you."
"But, these are good."
"No, I'm fine."
"Why don't you want some?"
"I don't drink beer."
"Why not?"
"I don't like it."
"I bet you'll like this stuff. It's smooth."
"Nope. I don't like the taste of any beer."
"But you haven't tried this stuff. Just try one sip."
"I can smell it. I don't even like the smell, so I'm not going to drink any of it."
"You're missing out."
"I'll live."
Find a Safe Place or Person
If your child is at a party or with a group of friends, talk to them about how they can get off the subject by talking to a different person about a new subject. (Complimenting a person's clothes or hair is a great way to leave one conversation and join another.)
If there is a person they trust or even just a person who doesn't seem to be engaging in the activity in question, try to stick around them rather than around people who may be causing pressure.
If your child is on a date, encourage them to only date in public places where they are likely to run into people they know. This will give them the opportunity to be around other people, reducing the opportunities for unwanted sexual advances.
Some Lies Are Ok
Some people think that we should not allow lies as excuses when teaching our children to say no because it encourages lying in all areas of life and doesn't force the child to take responsibility for choices. I disagree.
Peer pressure is more powerful than many parents realize (or remember), and children and teenagers will often give in to things they don't want to do if they think that they'll face rejection from their peers by not doing it. Children also often feel that they must always do what adults tell them, and if they don't follow directions, they'll get in trouble. A tiny white lie can be their hero to a child who is afraid of asserting him/herself.
Lies don't have to be complex or damaging. I've heard several kids say that they can't smoke because they have asthma even though they didn't. I've also heard kids say that they're allergic to certain foods, drugs, or chemicals. Even fake yawn and and "I'm tired" can help them find an excuse for not doing something.
Just be sure to talk to your children about when it's ok to lie and when it isn't. It's ok to lie if it will save you from a dangerous situation. It's not ok to lie just because you want to avoid getting into trouble or because you want attention.
Let Kids Put the Blame on You
My mother frequently told me to just say that she's the reason why I couldn't do something. It was one of the best gifts she could have given me when I was an insecure and easily intimidated child.
If I didn't feel comfortable doing something, I would act disappointed and say, "My parents won't let me." When anyone asked why they wouldn't let me, I would say, "I don't know, but it's the rules, and I don't want to risk getting in trouble." Then I would make up some potential punishment like getting grounded or losing the privilege to watch my favorite show. I'm sure many people thought my parents were rather strict or unreasonable, but that was far from the truth.
Letting your kids blame you gives them the opportunity to opt out of a potentially dangerous situation and save their reputation without having to struggle with the anxiety of deciding between their morals or safety and social acceptance.
As children get older and more confident, they will likely start saying "I don't want to" rather than "I'm not allowed to," but until then, blaming Mom or Dad can be a lifesaver.
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