Teaching Your Kids to Ask for What They Want
Updated July 28, 2007
Give Your Kids Options
The more options you give your child, the less like they will feel that they have no choice. They always have a choice, even when the choice isn't explicitly given.
Giving options also teaches your child that they deserve to have an opinion about things and that they actually do have some control in their lives.
Let your child choose from a selection of food for a meal. Let your child choose their own clothes (even if they don't match; just make sure that they are age appropriate and won't give your child heat stroke or hypothermia). Let your child choose their own activities.
Don't Be Afraid to Ask for What You Want
Kids follow their parents' examples. If you act timid and shy away from confrontation, letting people take advantage of you and having your wants ignored, then expect your children to do the same thing.
You don't have to be a bully. Just don't sit down and take whatever you get. Stand up and ask for what you want. When you see something the doesn't seem right, speak up. Expect to be treated with respect.
You're kids will be watching.
Problem Solve
When you solve problems together, you teach your child that there are multiple ways to look at any situation. Plus, they may figure out an answer that you can't, teaching them that even when other people have different ideas, their idea may still be the best.
When children problem solve by themselves, they learn to rely on their own abilities and gain self-confidence.
Provide opportunities for solving problems together and individually. Do puzzles. Cook together and try to figure out how to improve a recipe. Build things together and figure out how to make all the parts fit together. Talk to your children about family problems (including sibling rivalry, sharing issues, and financial situations) and ask your children to come up with some ideas to help.
When your child encounters a problem, don't immediately jump in to solve it. Wait until they ask for help (or let them know that you are willing to help them if they want it), and then offer ideas about how to solve the problem and have your child choose which one to use.
Role Play
Turn your home into a theater and be an actor for an evening. Create scenarios and have your children respond to them.
"You're at a restaurant and the server forgets to bring you ketchup. What do you do, ask for ketchup or just eat your fries plain?"
"You're teacher says you're stupid in front of the entire class. What do you do, sit there and ignore it, speak up immediately and tell the teacher in front of the class that he shouldn't talk to students like that, talk to the teacher privately after class to tell him how you disagree with how he handled the situation, tell another teacher or your parents?"
"You and your friends are playing soccer, and you want to be goalie. Do you just hope that somebody will pick you for goalie, or do you announce that you want to be goalie? What would you do if somebody else wants to be goalie too?"
A Handy Escape: Fake Being Sick
This comes in handy when your child needs to figure out how to get back home without the embarrassment of admitting that he/she is actually homesick or scared.
When I was a child, I often spent the night at friends' houses. While my friends had my approval, sometimes their families did not. I can vividly recall being offered beer and cigarettes by a friend's uncle on one occasion when I was twelve and being yelled at by a drunken mom on another. I was afraid, and I wanted to go home.
Playing sick can save the day. "I have a sore throat" or "I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I need to go home" can save your child from having to continue enduring a bad situation. I would highly recommend giving your child your cell phone number or stay by your home phone, and promise that you will come to the rescue and pick up your child at any time of day or night for any reason. (And please be sure to keep your phone turned on and in a place where you will readily hear it ring.)
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