Learning to Handle Emotions: Tantrums, Whining, and Pouting
Updated November 24, 2007
Many adults don't know how to handle their emotions, so we shouldn't expect children to be able to do it without practice and guidance.
Each family has a different definition of what an appropriate display of emotion is. In some families it is fine to yell, scream, and flail around violently. In other families just an unfriendly tone in someone's voice in unacceptable. I define an emotional outburst as anything that would embarrass you in public.
The Emotions Behind Tantrums, Whining, and Pouting
Even when they're making a huge deal over something that seems insignificant to you, the emotions your children feel are real. You must respect your child and acknowledge that their feelings are important because they are important.
Frustration is the primary emotion that causes emotional behaviors we typically dread. We become frustrated because we can't have what we want (e.g. love, attention, an toy, a position, fulfillment of a dream, feeling competent, feeling safe, etc.). Behind the frustration there is grief ("I really miss having this thing that's important to me."), humiliation ("I failed at getting what I want."), insecurity ("Nobody cares about me because they aren't helping me get what I want."), anger ("How could you do this to me?"), worry ("What if I'll never get what I want?"), and hopelessness ("I'm never going to get what I want? I might as well give up wanting anything ever again.") along with a variety of other emotions.
Prevention
Of course, the easiest way to solve a problem is to avoid it in the first place. Don't think that you have to restrict your entire life to fit your child's emotions, though. Conforming too much to a child's every want and need will lead your child to think that the world will do the same, which means you're setting your child up for failure when they get out into the world. However, there are some things you can do to help your children develop self-control.
- Make sure your child has a predictable daily routine to avoid the stress that comes from chaos, rushing, and transitions. (e.g. wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed, wash up, watch a favorite television show, walk to school, come home, have a snack, play outside, come in at a specific time, do homework, do chores, help make dinner, eat dinner, etc.)
- Make sure your child is fed frequently to avoid grumpiness from hunger. Create a feeding schedule and stick to it as closely as possible every day.
- Make sure your child gets enough sleep. Start using quiet bedtime routines to help your child settle down for the evening, and start the routine early enough to ensure your child will have enough time to sleep before he/she must wake up in the morning.
- Spend time playing with your child every day. Playing and laughing increase bonding in every human relationship. Better bonding balanced with responsible discipline promotes mutual respect, which means they'll listen more and argue less. Kids also need attention, and they'll get it one way or another. Give them more positive attention and you'll spend less time giving them negative attention.
- Listen to them. When they talk, give them the same attention that you would give an adult you respect. This will encourage them to talk to you about their emotions rather than having an emotional outburst.
Handling Emotional Outbursts
When your child has an emotional outburst, you may feel like forcing your child to cooperate and calm down. It won't work. You cannot force anybody, not even your child, to calm down. They must do it themselves, but you can help them.
- Keep calm. Children learn how to handle their emotions by watching how you handle your emotions. If you throw a tantrum when you get angry, that's exactly what they'll do. Avoid yelling, stomping, name-calling, insulting, threatening, spanking, pushing, etc.
- Be empathetic. Saying "Oh, what's wrong?" in a concerned, compassionate voice rather than saying something like "What's the matter with you now?" in an annoyed voice will let your child know that you care about how he/she feels, that he/she is important.
- Help your child tell you how he/she feels and what the problem is? If your child can't figure out the words, offer suggestions: "Are you sad? Angry? Scared?" "Are you frustrated because you can't put your shoes on by yourself?"
- Repeat what your child told you. If your child says, "I'm sad. I want the ball," then you would respond, "You're sad because you want the ball." This lets the child know that he/she has been heard and understood.
- Let your child get the emotions out. Let them go to their somewhere, such as their room or back to the car if you're in public, where they can have their outburst without disturbing others. (This teaches them that they can express their emotions, but not everybody wants to hear it.) Let them do something physical to use up their adrenaline, like running in place, pacing, jumping, etc. (I highly recommend steering them away from kicking, punching, and throwing since this habit may lead to breaking things, getting hurt, or hurting other people.) Let them do something creative to express themselves, such as draw pictures, write, or make music that reflects how they feel.
- Help them calm down. Deep breathing, counting, chanting, singing, writing, reading, talking, laying down, etc. are all acceptable ways to help your child relax.
- Help them think of possible solutions to their problem. "Maybe we can take turns with the ball." "Maybe you could ask for help tying your shoes." "Can you think of something we could do?" Let your child come up with the final decision about what they will do to handle the problem. If necessary, give them a list of options they can choose from and explain which options aren't acceptable.
- End it all with a big hug and go back to normal life.
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