Keeping Calm Around Crying Babies

Page Updated on July 28, 2007

Baby's cries are designed by nature to evoke a response by adults. If we were able to tune out baby cries all of the time, the poor little ones would never get the attention they need. Sometimes your baby's crying will make you frustrated, angry, and even irrational. This can lead to child abuse if you don't keep your wits. If you feel yourself getting stressed out by a crying baby, try this:

• Take some deep breaths Take some time to focus. Think about how hard it must be to be a tiny baby who can't take care of herself and must rely on adults to help her but can't communicate what her needs are. It must be incredibly frustrating for her as well. Remember that it is your job to figure out what could be causing the little one to be so unhappy. It's a difficult job, but you got to try to do it.
• Try to be objective Don't take the baby's crying personally. A crying child doesn't mean that you don't know how to take care of children, that the child doesn't like you, or that the child is trying to manipulate you. Babies don't think it terms of manipulation and blame. All they know is that something needs to be done and they wish someone would do it because they can't do it for themselves. Step back and think of various problems that might be the cause for the crying and think about what you could do to fix the problem. Don't worry if you can't come up with any new ideas.
• Tell your baby how much you love him and want to help It's amazing how just looking at your baby and telling him that you love him can calm you down. Telling your baby that you understand that he has needs and simply doesn't have the ability to fulfill those needs and that you want to help him but don't quite know what he needs yet, also helps you to keep things in perspective. (Don't ask your baby "what do you want" because he won't answer you and it will just make you more frustrated.) Your baby may continue to cry, but at least you'll be more in control.
• Don't tell your baby to stop crying I know many parents who have done it, and I've even done it myself. Saying things like "would you please stop crying" (or perhaps something in a bit less polite manner) won't make your baby cry any less. Your infant will not listen to your plea and say "Sure, I'll shut up for a little while. Let me know when you think I'll be able to start crying again." I've seen some parents yell at their crying babies (and during my postpartum depression I had some anger issues and did it myself). I guarantee you that this will just make your frustrated infant scared and threatened and will make the situation worse.
• Take a break If you have tried everything, ensured that there aren't any signs that your child isn't ill or in pain, still don't know what to do, and feel yourself becoming more and more stressed to the point of being angry, place the baby in a safe place like a crib or playpen and walk away. Close the door if you must or put on some music to drown out the noise for a little while. It's tough to just let your baby cry, but if you're stressed out, it may be the best thing you can do to keep your baby safe. (I don't know of any baby that cried itself to death.) If you're lucky enough to have another person to help you, have them take over for awhile. Wait until you've calmed back down before going back to the child.
• Get support If you can't even calm down during your break, try calling a friend, relative, professional (e.g. doctor, nurse, clergy, etc.), or organization to get some ideas on what else you might be able to try to calm the baby or calm yourself. There are even hot lines you can call. (Check your local telephone book under "family services", "social services", "parenting", etc. or call your state or local resource and referral agency to find out if there is a hot line in your area.)

What not to do!

Ok, so it seems like obvious advice, but you would be surprised by what illogical thoughts and emotions race through your head when your faced with a baby who won't stop crying on top of all the other stress in your life. Our primal, reflexive brain sometimes takes over, and starts to act without our permission. This is why you must make some rules to follow now, so you don't snap at the last second.

• Don't shake your baby Shaken baby syndrome is usually the result of a parent of caregiver who shakes a child out of frustration. When you shake a baby's body, you shake the baby's brain, causing bruising and swelling. This can result in brain damage or death.
• Don't put a pillow, blanket, or any other object (including your hand) over your baby's face to cover up the noise This will block your baby's airway, making it impossible for your baby to breathe, resulting in death by suffocation.
• Don't spank, hit, pinch, or hurt your baby in any way Your baby is not being bad by crying. She isn't trying to manipulate you and isn't mad at you. She's just frustrated because she can't communicate her needs. Inflicting pain on a child is cruel even to the point of being child abuse, and it will often make the crying worse, which will only increase your stress, and will cause emotional harm.
• Don't abandon your baby It's rare, but it happens. Sadly, some people just decide to give up and abandon their baby out of frustration, believing that someone will eventually find her and take care of her. Unfortunately, this isn't always true. Your child may go undiscovered for quite some time, and will suffer through hunger, thirst, discomfort, being too cold or hot, being attacked by animals or sick-minded people, or worse and may even die before anyone discovers her. This is a torturous way to gamble with your baby's life. Hang in there, instead. Things do get better, but if you absolutely can't handle it, have no family members or friends to take over for you, and still feel that you must abandon your child, take her to a hospital, church, fire department, etc. and hand her over to a person (don't just leave her alone for someone to find). Most places now have "no questions asked" policies if you do this.