Giving Criticism

Updated on November 24, 2007

Criticisms are the most difficult things to deal with in human interaction. They can prevent, fix, or cause a problem depending on how they are presented.

• Save criticism for the big stuff.

  Criticism in general makes people feel bad, and little things are generally too petty to let them disrupt relationships, so save criticism for the big stuff, like expressing your disapproval of behavior that can harm other people, such as drunk driving.

• Suggest instead of criticizing.

  Remember, criticism is judgment based on your ideas, not based on what is right or wrong. Make sure that you express your suggestions in a way that shows that they are simply your ideas and not the other person's mistake. What you consider a flaw may be perfection to somebody else. Instead of saying, "You didn't clean the dishes very well" or pointing out missed spots, offer to help with the task next time and be an example by cleaning them thoroughly yourself, or say something like "I saw this piece on a tv show about cleaning tips, and they had some great ideas on cleaning dishes, like...." you can even just make a comment like "I love looking at shiny, clean dishes." Parents and grandparents are also good sources for offering ideas, such as saying "My grandma always made sure that cups and plates were perfectly clean by inspecting them while she dried them. I always thought she was a bit of a perfectionist about it, but the older I get, the more I appreciate little things like that. I think I'm going to start inspecting dishes when I dry them just like she did. I would be horribly embarrassed if we had guests who ended up getting a fork with a bit of old food stuck to it." These hints are a great way to start, but if they don't work, you'll have to get a bit more direct by saying something like "Let's make a new family habit," which works if you both wash the dishes. If you don't participate in the activity, you'll need to ask for what you want, such as by saying "The neighbors are coming over for dinner tonight. Would you double check all the dishes to make sure they don't have any food stuck on them for me?"

• Never say "I told you so."

  They know you told them so. There's no need to rub it in. Perhaps in the future they will be more willing to take your advice, but if you say "I told you so" they may ignore your future advice, no matter how good it is, just out of spite. Be understanding and sympathetic instead.

•  Don't be arrogant; you really aren't superior.

  Your opinion is no better than anyone else's. Don't hand out compliments or criticism as if you are an expert, judge, or authority.

• Never make comparisons.

  Comparisons suggest that we are in a competition to see who is the best. "Your pie is much better than Suzie's" suggests that you are judging everybody, which makes everyone comfortable. You might even end up putting your foot in your mouth because Suzie's pie may have actually have been baked by the person you are complimenting or somebody else in the room.

• Never criticize somebody who isn't present.

  When you criticize somebody behind their back, the present company may wonder if you are talking about them behind their backs. You may also run the risk of offending your present company who may have the utmost respect for the person you are criticizing. Of course, there is always the possibility that the person you are criticizing will eventually find out what you said about them.